Shattered
by DragonsintheMoonlight
Summary: When Team Flash is sent into the future they come across future Barry as the Blue Flash in the ruins of Central City. Something is wrong with Barry and it's more than having lost all of them for 20 years. The Speed Force is falling apart and Barry can feel every second of it Discontinued. This story has WA in it and I don't like them together anymore so I can't continue this. Sorry
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Drug use. It's not recreational, though. It's for pain.**

 **Disclaimer:** _ **I own nothing.**_

Iris West woke with a groan, her eyes fluttering open to see a ruined street, rubble lying everywhere.

"What the…?" she glanced around. She could see Caitlin, Cisco, Julian, H.R, Wally, and her dad all lying unconscious around her. No Barry. Where was Barry?

And then Iris remembered. They had all been at Star Labs. Barry and Wally were fighting a metahuman who could teleport and Wally had gotten injured. They got another hit on the meta, and Barry ran out to stop him. But then the meta teleported into Star Labs and attacked them and-

Then everything went blank.

"Guys?!" she yelled. "Guys, wake up!"

Her friends and family started groaning, all wincing and sitting up.

"Where are we?" Cisco sounded alarmed.

"I don't know," Iris said.

"Did that metahuman teleport us to another dimension?" Caitlin asked.

"I don't recall him opening a breach," Cisco said. "But we're definitely not in Central City anymore."

"Yes, you are," a vibrating voice sounded behind them.

Team Flash spun around to see a Blue-clad speedster vibrating so his features were indistinguishable. He was surrounded by blue lightning, like Savitar and Zoom were, and it didn't look like the lightning was going to stop coursing around him anytime soon.

"Okay, I don't know what world you're from, but this is _not_ Central City," Joe said.

"I'm from Earth One, and yes it is," the speedster said. "But you are not Joe West. Nor are all of you Caitlin Snow, Cisco Ramon, Iris West, Wally West, Julian Albert, and… what version of Harrison Wells are you supposed to be?"

"How do you know who we are? And how did you know we knew multiple Harrison Wells?" Caitlin asked.

"I just said you aren't the people who's faces you're wearing," he said. "It's impossible. All of you died twenty years ago, teleported to the bottom of the ocean by a metahuman the Flash was battling."

"The meta who attacked us," Iris whispered. "He didn't teleport us to the bottom of the ocean. He teleported us here. We're alive."

The speedster wavered. He looked like he wanted to believe them.

His gaze turned to Cisco. "What song were you playing the day Barry Allen woke up from his coma?"

"What?" Cisco looked horrified to be put on the spot.

"What song was it?!" the speedster hissed. "Answer me now." His hand vibrated menacingly.

"Uh- Poker Face," Cisco stammered. "It was on his Facebook page."

The speedster stopped vibrating entirely. "Cisco? That's really you?"

His voice was suddenly recognizable. Recognizable, hopeful, suspicious, and vulnerable all at the same time.

"Barry?" Iris breathed.

The blue lightning surrounding the speedster suddenly dissipated as he slowed down. He pulled back his cowl, revealing Barry Allen's face. He didn't look older, at least not on the outside. A speedster really did have decelerated aging. However, his eyes held an old, sad look, like he'd seen way too much of this world.

"Oh, my God, Barry!" she lunged at him, engulfing him in a hug. Barry froze up for a moment, not reciprocating.

Iris took at step back, shocked. She and Barry were in love, and even before they were together, he _always_ reciprocated her hugs.

"Dude, what's with the new suit?" Cisco asked. "I feel betrayed."

"Sorry," Barry said, "but the suit I was running around in didn't do too much to protect me if we're being honest here. It didn't catch fire, but there was a reason I broke my back. This one is almost as durable as Palmer's Atom suit."

Cisco looked mildly offended, but he had to admit, Barry had a point. The speedster may have had accelerated healing, but he still got beaten up a lot. It had to hurt, even if he did heal from it.

"What happened to Central City, Barry?" Iris asked.

He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. It already happened and there's nothing anyone can do to change that."

"Okay, I know everyone kind of attacked you for time traveling to save your mother, Barry," Caitlin said, "but this might be a case where time traveling might be a good idea. How much worse could you make things?"

A dark expression overtook his face. "A lot." Blue lightning flickered angrily in Barry's eyes. Team Flash felt the hair on the backs of their necks stand on end. He looked deadly.

"Allen, are you alright, mate?" Julian asked.

"No," Barry said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "But there's nothing to be done about that. Hold on a moment."

Suddenly, they were all flashed into Star Labs, or rather what was left of Star Labs.

"What happened here?" Caitlin asked as she stared around at the ruins.

"Same thing that happened out there," Barry replied. He stared at them all like they were ghosts, like they were about to fade away at any moment.

"Bar, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost," Joe said.

"Well, I kind of have," he replied. "I'm still wondering if you're all hallucinations or not."

"Why would you be hallucinating?" Caitlin sounded worried.

"Number of reasons," he said. "There is one way to prove I'm not though. Gideon?"

The AI Barry created appeared as a hologram on his arm. "Yes, Barry?"

"Can you scan all of them? Make sure they actually have heat signatures and aren't all in my head?"

"Of course," she replied. Gideon scanned each of them. "They're real," she confirmed.

Barry still looked hesitant, but much less so than he did before.

"Barry, how did your lightning turn blue?" Cisco asked. "You haven't been taking V9, have you?"

"What's V9?" Wally asked.

Caitlin explained the speed drugs to Wally.

"So, why didn't you guys just give me that when I was training to stop Savitar?" he asked, a little ticked that they wouldn't even bring it up as a suggestion. If Wally took V9, he would probably be faster than Barry, and then get faster than Savitar. Wally would get to be the hero then.

"Same reason I didn't take it when I was training to stop Zoom," Barry snapped. "It gave a woman named Eliza a multiple personality disorder and killed her. And on top of that, taking V9 breaks the speed force's rules, and those rules have been broken enough. The speed force is a living thing; you can't manipulate it like that. It _will_ punish you."

"So, you never answered my question, Barry," Cisco said. "How did your lightning turn blue?"

"It just did. Naturally," he replied. "I got faster. It turned blue. I can't make it yellow or orange anymore. It's just… blue. Forever."

"So, how fast are you?" Julian asked.

"Fast, very fast," Barry said.

"Yeah, do you have an exact number?" Caitlin asked.

"Gideon measured it as over six billion miles per hour last time we did a test run… but that was a while ago," Barry said. "I try not to go that fast. It's dangerous."

"Six billion miles per hour?" they were gaping at him.

"Yeah, but like I said: I try not to go that fast," Barry said.

"How'd you get that fast?" Wally asked. He couldn't help but be jealous. He wanted to be the fastest, to prove he was the best, but he couldn't imagine going six billion miles per hour. He was always jealous of Barry, to be honest, since the first moment he met him. Wally wanted Joe to see him as his son, not the young man he fostered, and Wally had always been obsessed with speed. Wally had been competing with Barry a lot lately, and it ticked him off when the other speedster didn't compete back but rather reminded Wally of the mission.

"It just… happened," Barry said. "I was fighting Savitar. You all were gone. He killed _so_ many people, his metas overran this place… they destroyed it. I had to take him down. Suddenly, nothing was holding me back anymore. I… destroyed Savitar. I don't know how, but I was hitting him so hard so fast that I ripped a hole into the speed force. He flickered away and has been gone ever since."

"So… what's wrong with the city now?" Joe asked. "Why didn't anyone rebuild?"

"Everyone _died,"_ Barry said. "Or they were transformed into metas by Savitar. Metas outnumbered humans ten to one. Things got insane. I couldn't stop it. Not without… never mind." Barry grimaced suddenly, as if he was in pain.

"Barry?" Iris asked. "Are you okay, honey?"

Barry glanced over at her, surprise flickering in his eyes, accompanied by love. It had been so long since he had seen Iris, since he had heard her voice. An ache filled his chest as he thought about her, about all of them, how much he missed them.

"I'm fine, Iris," he promised, knowing he was lying. "I just… I was fighting another meta earlier today. He got my ribs. They should be healed soon, but I probably shouldn't got running around a bunch."

"Do you want me to take a look?" Caitlin offered.

He shook his head. "No thanks, Cait. I think I just need to lie down for a while. You guys… make yourselves… at home."

With that, Barry flashed out of there, leaving them all in the ruined cortex of Star Labs.

* * *

Once Barry was alone, his breathing turned ragged and he suppressed the screams of agony threatening to tear their way out of his throat.

He removed his sleeve from his arm, exposing his veins and tightened a belt around his bicep. He fumbled for a syringe of the morphine he enhanced to be able to metabolize. He slid the needle into his vein like an expert and pushed down on the plunger.

The moment the morphine entered his system, the pain alleviated and Barry relaxed, stumbling back onto his cot. A drugged sheen glistened in his eyes and he let out a small moan of pleasure as the pain dampened.

He was too weak, too drugged, to remove the needle from his arm.

"Gideon?" he murmured weakly. "Tell me… tell me if anyone… comes in… here, 'kay?"

"Yes, Barry," she said, "that is, if you're conscious."

The Blue Flash's eyes fluttered shut and he drifted into unconsciousness, just as Gideon predicted.

* * *

 **AN: Okay, so this is chapter one of my Future Flash story. It's my first time writing for the Flash, so bear with me, okay? Those of you who are not familiar with the comics, the Blue Flash is the Future Flash who's living in a nasty future where the speed force is falling apart. It's my headcanon that having the speed force be falling apart when you literally ARE the speed force like Barry is would HURT, hence the pain that he alleviates by injecting himself with enhanced morphine. Barry isn't really an addict, (though after taking this stuff for so long, he would probably go through withdrawal if he was ever able to get off it), but he is in a lot of pain, which is what prompted him to take the morphine, so he doesn't writhe around in pain. I hope he didn't seem too OOC, considering he was so stunned to see his friends and family that he kind of acted like it wasn't real, (though in the comics, the future Flash kills his villains, so it's plausible that he could be a little more standoffish at first, especially since he hasn't seen them for twenty years). Anyway, let me know what you think of this chapter.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

Barry woke to a dull pain in… every part of him. Just as always. He was sure to anyone else, the pain he was feeling would be sharp and scream-worthy, but Barry was used to it. And the left over traces of the morphine helped. His metabolism had burned most of it off by now and he would probably need another dose in a few hours, but for now he could function without crumpling to the ground and screaming.

God, it was a good thing his younger self wasn't flung forward to this timeline with the rest of the team. He would probably have a stroke if that kind of stress was suddenly forced on him.

Barry sat bolt up right. That's right. The team. Iris, Joe, Cisco, Caitlin, H.R., Wally, Julian… they were all here. All those years ago when they disappeared, when they left him alone, _this_ is where they came.

Barry felt like laughing for some reason. But at the same time, he felt like crying, too. He had missed them _so_ much. He had been so lost without them, become something he knew they wouldn't be proud of, but he didn't care. So long as they were back.

Barry sprang to his feet. "Gideon, yesterday… it actually happened right? It wasn't a hallucination from the morphine, was it?"

"You have to be more specific," she informed him. "Yes, yesterday happened, but what part of yesterday are you referring to?"

"You know what part!" he exclaimed, even though the AI probably didn't. She was a machine, even if she seemed so life like and had been his only friend for years. She sometimes told him when he needed to be more specific that she didn't understand the question. "My team," Barry sighed. "Cisco Ramon, Caitlin Snow, Iris West, Joe West… all of them. They're actually here, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are," she replied.

"I have to go see them," he said urgently.

"Barry, shouldn't you remove the needle from your arm first?" she asked.

"What?" he glanced down and saw the needle he used to inject himself with morphine last night still in his vein. He was lucky it didn't tear out with all his fast movements.

"Oh," he murmured. "Thanks, Gideon."

"You're welcome," she replied. Perhaps Barry was still slightly under the influence of the morphine, but Gideon sounded amused.

Barry slid the needle out of his arm and dashed into the cortex at super speed, blue lightning in his wake.

His team was already up, having not had drugs helping keep them down.

"'Morning, Barry," Iris said. She sounded a little hesitant. This Barry was different. It was so odd seeing him racing around with blue lightning, sadness lingering in his eyes no matter what expression he took. He was still her Barry, she still loved him, but part of her was worried that maybe he didn't love her back.

Her fears were placated when he pulled her into his arms, engulfing her in a tight hug, so strong it felt like his arms were made of iron and she would never break free. But that didn't matter. She didn't want to.

"Good morning, Iris," he said softly, a hint of happiness in his voice.

He released her after a few moments. Part of Barry was tempted to pull them all into a desperate group hug, but he refrained from doing so.

"Hey, Barry?" Cisco asked. "Not to be rude, but do you have anything to eat? I'm starving."

Barry hesitated. "All I have are bars. Like, 3000 calorie each bars."

"That's going to be a problem," Caitlin said.

"Yeah," he said. "Sorry, I just… I never thought I'd see any of you again and I never have any company, unless you count Gideon; Gideon is great company. She's amazing, when she's not being sassy. Okay, she's amazing then too. Anyway,IjustneverthoughtIwouldhaveanyoneliving withmehereagainsoIneverbotheredgettingfood,unlessyoucounttheingredientsImakethebarswith,becausetherewasnopointifnoonewasgoingtoeatit-"

"Barry!" Caitlin exclaimed, stopping his rapid speedster talk. "We didn't get any of that after Gideon is amazing. Slower, please."

"You get any of that?" Joe asked Wally.

Wally was staring at Barry with wide eyes. "About every fifth word. I heard something about ingredients."

Barry sighed. "Okay, there's a guy I know that I can get supplies from. I just never thought I would need to trade him for food minus the ingredients I make the bars with because I never thought I'd see any of you ever again or have any sort of company ever again, because people always die or leave you, so what's the point, right?"

They all stared at him, horrified.

"Right, I'm going to go see that guy now," Barry said, about to zip out of there.

"Wait!" Iris called. "Why don't we go with you?"

"Iris, the streets tend to be pretty dangerous," Barry said.

"And since when have we run from danger?" Joe asked with a small chuckle.

"I guess you have a point. Alright," he said, though he was still hesitant to let his friends and family out into apocalyptic streets when he just got them back. "Let's go."

* * *

Barry zipped the team to the underground bunker his supplier guy, August, lived. Barry didn't know where August got all these supplies. Maybe August stole it from people, maybe he started hoarding it before the world collapsed completely and had been stashing it here ever since, who knew? All that mattered was somehow he did and Barry had learned not to question everything in a world where the one goal was to survive. Besides, getting supplies from August was easier than getting them from anyone else who had been lucky enough to somehow get their hands on food or medicine and was willing to trade. August was once a doctor; there was only one thing he wanted and Barry had plenty of it.

"Flash," August greeted him as he heard the familiar whoosh of air. He turned around, eyes widening as he saw everyone with the blue-clad speedster. "And… friends? Since when do you have friends?"

"Never mind that, August," Barry said. "Point is, my friends can't eat my three-thousand calorie bars. They need food that won't make them sick."

"Or fat," Caitlin murmured.

August nodded. "Well, the price is one blood draw for every ten cans of food."

"Blood draw?" Julian asked. "You want our blood?"

"No, I want his," August gestured to Barry. "Unless any of you are metas?"

"Nope, totally not," H. R. said, shaking his head rapidly.

Barry flashed H. R. a look that clearly said to let him do the talking. August was already eyeing H. R. suspiciously.

"No, they aren't," Barry lied. He knew Caitlin, Cisco, and Wally were metas, but August didn't need to know that unless it was absolutely necessary. Beside, it was better he take his blood then theirs. "Gideon already scanned them when we met. They're all completely human. Right, Gideon?"

"Yes, Flash," Gideon said, appearing as a blue hologram on his wrist as she spoke.

August nodded, not realizing that Barry's AI was capable of lying so long as Barry asked her to.

"Why do you want the Flash's blood?" Joe asked. He was tempted to shoot this August character. He stole Barry's blood solely because he was a meta? Was he experimenting on his son?

"Metahuman blood is remarkable," August said. "I study it for my own reasons. Do you want the cans of food or not?"

"Yes, they do," Barry said, already rolling up his sleeve to expose his thick blue veins. No matter how many times he or August drove a needle into them, his accelerated healing kept his veins healthy and easy to find.

"They're in the back room, through the locked metal door," August tossed Cisco the keys. "How many blood draws will I be taking?"

"Ten," Barry said.

"One hundred cans, then," August said, sliding the needle into Barry's arm.

* * *

 **AN: I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this chapter, but I do have an idea of where I am going with this story and this chapter had to happen. The introduction of August is important as well as the explanation as to how Barry gets all his supplies to make his morphine and bars and how he is going to get his friends food in a ruined world. Anyway, let me know what you all think.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	3. Chapter 3

**Warnings: mentions of drug use, again it's only for pain with Barry, though recreational drug use _is_ mentioned and Barry gets a little offended by it. There is also a mention of suicide, but there are no actual suicide attempts or anything.**

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

While Barry's friends collected cans, August drew syringes of his blood. Some of them had tried to stay out there with them, but Barry insisted they go help collect the one hundred cans of food. He told them he would be fine; after all, he'd done this many times before.

"They're awfully protective of you considering you just met," August commented.

"We met a few weeks ago," Barry said nonchalantly. "So we _have_ known each other a while. Plus, I'm pretty sure they're afraid if I die, they'll have no means of protection against rogue metas roaming the streets."

"So, they are protective of you in the same way a man protects his gun from being stolen?" August asked.

"That's my assumption," Barry replied with a shrug.

He knew he was lying, but August didn't. People had told Barry in the past that he was a bad liar; if only they could see him now.

"Perhaps you're right, Flash," he said, removing a fifth syringe of blood and setting it down on the table they were sitting next to. "Perhaps all they see you as is a weapon, a shield to protect them from the outside world. But then again, maybe you've been alone with the company of nothing but an AI for too long. Maybe your metahuman DNA has inhibited your ability to feel emotions they way us mere mortals do. Either way, I think you may underestimate them, Flash. They may actually care for your human side, not your meta side. You might actually have… _friends._ "

Barry snorted in disbelief, keeping up the charade. "Yeah, right. My only friend is Gideon."

"That hurts, Flash," August said in mock-shock as he slide the sixth needle into Barry's arm and began extracting more blood. "After all this time, you don't consider me a friend?"

"No offense, August," he said, "but I don't really consider someone who supplies me with food and drugs in exchange for blood draws he uses to study me like a lab rat a 'friend'. Maybe an acquaintance?"

The man chuckled as he removed the six needle. "Speaking of the drugs, are you running low?"

"No," Barry said. He always made sure he had enough time to get more of the poppies and other ingredients he used to engineer his own morphine. The vials August had sitting around didn't metabolize, so Barry had to make sure to get the ingredients even earlier than he would if morphine that worked on everyone else worked on him as well.

"You know, I've always wondered what turned the Flash into a drug addict," August commented, sliding the seventh needle into Barry's arm.

Phantom pains rippled through Barry at the thought. He wasn't an _addict._ He was just in a _lot_ of pain, and that wasn't something he could tell August. He didn't trust him.

"And I've always wondered why someone would take my blood if it was filled with drugs," Barry riposted.

Chuckling, the former doctor removed the seventh needle. "I don't care how many drugs you have in your system, Flash. You could be up to your eyeballs in meth, and it wouldn't change the fact that you're one of the few metas that allows me to take your blood. All I really care about is studying the warped DNA. I don't care if you use a few pain killers."

"It's a little more than a few," Barry muttered darkly.

August laughed. He actually laughed as he slipped the eighth needle into Barry's arm.

"Your little _friends_ know about your drug problem?"

"No," Barry growled, getting a strong urge to vibrate his hand into August's chest. If it was up to him, he never would have touched the stuff. Barry had never approved of recreational drugs, and while he _wasn't_ using them in that manner, August implying he was an addict angered him. He didn't have a _choice._ Addicts chose to jam needles in their veins and snort up narcotics. They chose to ruin their lives with meth, cocaine, heroin, and opiates, to eventually kill themselves with them. Barry just didn't want to crumple to the ground screaming, to feel so much pain that sometimes he wanted to slit his own throat.

"They'll find out, you know," August warned him. "They'll walk in on you shooting up. Then they might go find a new protector."

 _More like they'll lock me in the pipeline or tie me to a bed and suppress my powers with a collar so I can't phase out of the restraints,_ Barry thought.

His team cared about him, he knew that. But they wouldn't realize why he was taking the morphine, not until he started screaming and writhing in pain long before he could experience symptoms of withdrawal. If they locked him in the pipeline, they might not even realize it until the pain had either made him stroke out or he went so out of his mind with it that he clawed open the arteries on his wrists with his bare hands, just trying to escape it.

As for the collar idea, well, Barry had tried that. He once put a power suppressing collar on himself in hopes of it keeping him from feeling the pain, but it didn't work. Just because his powers were suppressed didn't mean they weren't _there._ He was still connected to the speed force, even if he couldn't use it. The pain still came; it wasn't even dampened. Besides, he didn't think a collar could ever suppress his powers fully. It could keep Barry from moving at super speed, but it couldn't keep him from generating the speed force with every step he took, every breath he took. That was the same reason Wally couldn't feel what he was feeling right now. Other speedsters were connected to the speed force, they could tap into it. They weren't literally _walking speed force._ They weren't struck by lightning directly from the speed force, energy that was in a way, Barry himself. His trip into the speed force where he met the Flash proved that.

Barry envied other speedsters.

August finished the blood draws. "Alright. Go help your _friends,_ Flash."

Barry gave him a nod and zipped off to find them in the back room.

"Are you okay?" Iris asked instantly.

"They're just blood draws, Iris," Barry smiled at her.

"You shouldn't have to give up your blood like that, Barry," Joe said.

"It's fine," Barry said. "It's just like going to a blood drive; no big deal." Barry used to donate blood before he became a metahuman, but after his DNA warped and evidence of the speed force could be found in his blood cells, he wasn't able to anymore.

"Well, we've got the cans," Caitlin said, "but I don't know how we're going to carry all of it back to STAR Labs."

"Wally and I can run all of you back there," Barry said, "and I can pull the cans in my slipstream."

"Your slipstream?" Julian asked, looking surprised.

"The current of air behind me when I run," Barry explained. "It's just like a jet engine. It's strong enough that I can pull things in it behind me. Once pulled a train in my slipstream. That was fun."

"Cool," Cisco breathed. "That's awesome."

Barry smiled at him before looking over at Wally. "You ready, Wally?"

The other speedster nodded. "Yeah."

Together, the two speedsters zipped their friends back to STAR Labs, the cans of food following Barry in his slipstream.

* * *

 **AN: Well, let me know what you guys think! I love all your reviews; they're amazing :).**

 **For those of you who are curious, the Flash actually has pulled a train in his slipstream in the comics. It happened in the New 52, volume one: Move Forward. I really want to see him do something like that on the show; it'd be super cool :).**

 **Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Not sure when I'll have the next one up, but hopefully it will be sometime soon.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: There may be some of you who don't like how I portray Wally in this fic, but I'm sorry, this is how I see him. I think CW's adaptation of Wally West is really immature and petty and competes with Barry way too much whether it's just with speed or for Joe's affection. Honestly, he tried to get Joe to choose between Flash and Kid Flash. No parent is going to do that and the fact that Wally even tried shows how immature he really is. So, if you have a complaint about how I portray Wally, I don't really want to hear it. This is just how I see him and if you see him in a different light, that's fine, just don't try to change my mind because some people have tried and none have succeeded. I really don't want to start a fight over it right now.**

 **Warnings: drug use for pain, mention of suicide, a tiny bit of foul language.**

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

Barry set up the cans in a giant, pyramid-shaped stack the moment they got back, moving so fast even Wally barely saw what he was doing. The pain was starting to build in Barry again and pretty soon, he would need another injection of morphine.

Cisco immediately approached one and opened it. It was cold soup, but he didn't care. He was hungry enough that he didn't bother taking the time to warm it up.

Barry turned to walk out of the cortex, when Iris's voice stopped him.

"Barry?"

He turned back around. "Yeah?"

"Where are you going?"

"I… I was just…" he trailed off. He was going to the room where he kept his morphine and cot. He couldn't risk any of them following him there.

"Barry, are you okay?" Caitlin asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm just… I'm used to being alone, so… I'm a little overwhelmed by all this. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Bar," Joe said. "You've been alone a long time. It's understandable. But we'd like it if you stayed out here with us."

Barry felt the dullness of the pain starting to sharpen, but one look at their hopeful expressions, and he caved.

"Okay."

"So, what do you have to do around here?" Cisco asked.

Barry shrugged. "Sleep?"

"Seriously?"

"If we're being honest here, my life consists of running on my cosmic treadmill, stopping rogue metas, talking to Gideon, and sleeping," Barry confessed. _You know, and making morphine, 3000 calorie bars, and writhing around in pain._

"You… talk to the AI?" Julian asked.

Barry shrugged again. "She's a great listener."

Truth was, making Gideon because she helped him in the field and could predict events seeing as how she could see into the future and past of the timeline was only part of the reason why he created her. The other reason was because Barry was lonely. He had no one in this future, at least not until his family randomly appeared on the street. It had been just him, Gideon, and the breaking speed force for so long.

"That's kind of sad, man," Cisco said. "You really don't do anything else?"

"I read," Barry said. "But I've read all my books a thousand times each. You guys can have them if you want."

"Why don't we just talk?" Iris asked. "Tell us about what's been going on in this future."

"Well, there's not much more to tell," he said. "I told you about the war against Savitar and all the metas he made with the philosopher's stone. Central City turned to ruins after that. As did most of the USA and pretty much everywhere else on the planet. Metas truly outnumber humans and they're not happy. Humans have never been very kind to metas. ARGUS partnered with Eiling and they tried to capture metas and force them to work for them. It didn't go over well. No one likes being treated as nothing more than a weapon and ARGUS's new Suicide Squad did just that. There were too many metas to combat. They all fought back and… now here we are in a dystopia. Or anarchy, I guess, since I haven't been able to come across any real government anywhere. It's everyone for themselves."

"And, what's the deal with people like August?" H.R. asked. "Why does he want your blood?"

"He wants to study it," Barry shrugged. "I don't really care _why._ It's not like he's strapping me to a table and dissecting me. It's no big deal."

"I don't like someone taking your blood and studying you like you're some kind of lab rat, Barry," Joe told him.

"Joe, I said it's fine," Barry said. "I've had this arrangement with August for a long time. He's never hurt me, unless you count jamming a needle into my vein, which I don't. He gets the blood he's obsessed with, I get food… it's a win-win situation."

"He's using you," Iris said.

"And I'm using him," he said. "We use each other. That's kind of how this world works. I'm sorry, but it is."

"Sounds like you've given up," Wally scoffed. _The great Flash,_ he thought, _given up. Never thought I'd see the day._

"Well, no offense, Wally, but until recently, I didn't have anything to fight for," Barry said. "Besides… what is there for me to fight against? The world is already destroyed; it's not like I can stop it. I'm never time traveling ever again, so there is nothing for me to do. I can stop metas from hurting what's left of the human population, but that's about it."

"That doesn't mean you have to hand over your blood to some freak," Wally said. "What are you, a blood whore?"

" _Wally,"_ Joe said sternly.

"It's fine, Joe," Barry laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. "Wally, I know you've never really liked me. You were constantly competing with me at every turn, whether it was with speed or for Joe's affection. I don't hold against you. I care about you regardless of how you treat me, because we're family. However, I would appreciate if you didn't judge me until you know what it feels like to slowly emaciate from extreme hunger, to go out of your mind with it. You would do anything to get it to _stop."_

The truth was, while Barry had starved to the point of emaciation before, being part of what prompted his deal with August, what he was really thinking of when he spoke to Wally was the pain. Barry literally would do _anything_ to make it stop. If he hadn't found August and started making deals with him, he probably would have killed himself a long time ago. He just couldn't take that amount of pain. He didn't think anyone could. Not even Oliver Queen, who was the strongest person Barry ever knew. He wondered if Oliver was still alive somewhere. If Felicity was, if Diggle was…

Speaking of the pain, it was getting sharper. Barry could feel it building, gnawing on his nerves like rats. It was as if sharp teeth had sunk into every single part of him as deep as they possibly could and would not let go.

Barry breathed deeper, exhaling shakily.

"Are you alright, Bar?" Joe asked, sounding concerned.

Barry knew it was only a matter of time before the pain escalated so it felt like his skin was being torn off and all his bones were shattering at once. Then it would feel like his already destroyed body was set on fire.

He drew in another deep breath. "I'm fine, Joe. Look, I… I'm not used to this. I'm sorry. I can't talk right now. You guys can do whatever you want around here. Who knows, maybe we still have operation around here somewhere. I know you hated that game, Cait, but it'd be better than doing nothing, right?"

He made his way out of the room, flashing away at super speed.

All of his friends and family stared at each other.

"He is not fine," Iris said.

* * *

Barry felt the fire the moment he reached his room. He scrambled toward the table at super speed, blue lightning flashing around him. He fumbled for a syringe full of morphine, his hands shaking.

There was no time to tighten the belt around his arm to make it easier to reach the veins. But that was okay. He had good veins. He just had to hope his hand was stead enough the syringe wouldn't tear out of his vein when he put it in.

It had been a long time since Barry had let it get this bad. Normally when the pain got so sharp he compared it to teeth, he would already be jamming the needle into his vein. But this time, he stuck around and talked to his family and let it escalate this far. And now he couldn't see straight.

By some miracle, Barry managed to jam the needle into his vein and push down on the plunger, releasing the morphine into his system. The effects were instantaneous and Barry let out a gasp of relief, collapsing onto the floor, needle still in his arm.

His eyes fluttered shut and he lost consciousness, lying on the cold floor of STAR Labs next to his small cot.

 **AN: Sorry it took me a while to update. I tend to have trouble finding time to write during the school week. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Sorry if it feels kind of like filler, but I promise the story will start to get much more interesting soon. I just have to set things up first. Can't have them finding everything out right away, right?**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I would like to thank everyone who has read and reviewed this story.**

 **RedQ: Your reviews always make me smile every time I read them. I always look forward to your input. You are my best reviewer out there. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I look forward to reading more of your stories :D**

 **Moni Hasnone: I actually do have a sibling. I have a sister and I get along with her very well, which is why I don't understand Wally's behavior in the slightest. The whole sibling rivalry thing where someone tries to make their mom or dad like them better than their sibling has never made sense to me, especially considering Wally is an adult and he met Barry about a year ago. I don't understand how he can be comfortable starting a sibling rivalry with someone he just recently met, especially when it's obvious that that someone isn't participating in the competition Wally has created. I also think someone who is as old as Wally is should be mature enough to not try to get Daddy to play favorites. Plus, it's been going on too long. I thought they were going to start getting along after season 2, but Wally is still trying to compete with Barry. However, I do appreciate the fact that you didn't press the issue and I am glad you are enjoying my story :). I hope you enjoy this chapter and I am sorry if how I portray Wally upsets you.**

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

* * *

A couple weeks passed and Barry started to get used to having his family around more. He stopped waking up thinking that it wasn't real, that it was just a hallucination brought on by morphine. Gideon was rather glad of that; she was getting tired of answering the same question every day.

Barry didn't lie when he said he didn't do too much any more. There was one time where he ran on his treadmill at a thousand miles per hour for a large chunk of the day, though he stopped after a few hours, disappeared for about one, and came back and continued later. It was shocking, but made sense since his top speed was actually around six billion mph. A thousand mph was probably like jogging to him.

Barry gave them his books. Some of them were science ones, others classics, and a few were contemporary ones that the majority of the team felt like they could actually _read._

They did manage to find the old game of operation, but Barry was right about Caitlin hating it. Eventually, he ran around the city until he managed to scrounge up an old game of monopoly and a deck of cards that were hidden underneath a bunch of rubble in a store.

Still, after weeks of nothing but books and board games, the team was starting to get bored. They didn't know how Barry did it. He ran, he stopped a few rogue metas, and he made more bars for him and Wally, (though Wally preferred the soup they got to the bars). They managed to get him to join them at least once a day, but Barry was always nervous about it. He always hesitated and they weren't sure why. One of their theories was perhaps Barry was so unused to their company, he was afraid of what it would be like to actually spend a long amount of time with them. He always seemed to avoid eye contact when they asked and he looked like he wanted to run out of the room, but every time they prompted him, he caved and agreed. It was like Barry wanted desperately to spend time with them, but was afraid to for some reason.

They had no idea how right they were. Part of the reason Barry was uncomfortable around them at first was because he was unused to other people. But he got over that after they'd been with him for about a week. Now it was because he remembered how far he let the pain get last time he spent a lot of time with them, much longer than he probably should have. Barry was now extra careful. The moment he felt like rats were chewing on his nerves, he would tell them he was tired or he had to get back to whatever it was he was doing before. Then he would head back to his room and drug himself.

He hated doing that. It made him feel so weak, like he couldn't survive without morphine. But the truth was: he couldn't. He knew he couldn't, and that made this even worse.

The team was also starting to notice odd things about Barry. They had no idea where he went when he wasn't down in the cortex with all of them. They also were starting to notice that there were times when Barry looked like he was in pain, and generally when those times came along, he left the cortex quickly, oftentimes not even having a very good excuse for why he was suddenly leaving.

They quickly became determined to find out what was going on with him.

"Maybe we should just search around the place until we find him?" Iris suggested one day after Barry had left them again.

"This place is _huge,"_ H. R. reminded her.

"Well, it's better than doing nothing," she said.

"Guys, Barry's probably just acting weird because he's Barry," Wally said. "I've always thought he was kind of a weird guy."

"I thought that was because you didn't know he was the Flash, Wally," Joe said, remembering some of Wally's comments about Barry back when he didn't know he was the Flash.

Wally shrugged and said nothing.

"You know, we could probably track him with surveillance footage," Cisco said. "All of STAR Lab's technology is still intact, so I could probably search all the cameras. It would take a while, but we might be able to find him, so long as there are still cameras everywhere."

"Good idea, Cisco," Caitlin said. "Let's do it."

* * *

Barry was inside the time vault, the room he'd chosen to keep his stuff in. No one could get in here but him, so it seemed like the perfect place to stay in case someone broke into STAR Labs in the middle of the night or when he was high.

He'd left his family about five to ten minutes ago. He knew they were starting to notice how much he ran off and that he would have to find a way to rationalize it to keep them from getting suspicious. He knew sooner or later, they would probably find out, but he was hoping to keep it secret from them as long as possible. He didn't need them looking at him like he was broken. Just because the speed force was falling apart, didn't mean Barry was.

Barry laughed at the thought, because of course, he was wrong. If the speed force was falling apart, of course he was. He literally _was_ speed force. More speed than man. Every ounce of pain it felt, he did too, because they were one and the same. If it broke, so did he.

Barry climbed on his cot and slid a needle full of morphine into his arm, the pain dulling instantly. This was a stronger dose since the pain built up faster than it usually did today. He needed something that would last longer, though it would also keep him out longer. Probably for a few hours, maybe more. His eyes fluttered shut and he gave into darkness.

* * *

It took Cisco over an hour to search all the cameras in STAR Labs, only to find Barry in none of the rooms.

"Do you think he left the building?" Julian asked.

"Maybe," Cisco said. "Wait."

"What is it?" Joe asked, half worried, half eager.

"There's one place where there are no cameras," he said. "Never has had any."

"Where?"

"The fake Wells's time vault."

* * *

"So, how do we get in?" Joe asked.

They were standing outside the time vault, which really looked like nothing more than a regular wall.

"No idea," Caitlin said. "This place is handprint activated. Only Barry and Wells have ever been able to get in here.

"We could always try to hack our way in," Cisco said. "I don't know how well it would work, but…"

"Try it," Iris said. She was very concerned about the man she loved. She would have thought Barry would have gotten used to them by now and would spend more time with them. He used to love spending time with her in the past. Whenever he wasn't at work or being the Flash, he devoted his time to her. Barry loved her more than any man she'd ever been with before. She couldn't believe she didn't realize it sooner than she did.

It took Cisco five hours before he finally managed to open the time vault.

"Yes! Who's the best hacker in the world?" he asked, grinning.

"Felicity Smoak," Caitlin said.

"That is so not fair! We don't even know if Felicity is still alive," Cisco said. "I could be the best hacker in the world."

"Guys, the door," Joe reminded them.

"Right," Cisco said.

The inside of the time vault was pitch black when the team stumbled in.

"Is there a light switch in here?" H. R. asked.

They all fumbled around until they found it, shocked at what they saw.

There was a table sitting in the corner of the room, covered in poppies, syringes of morphine, and a brewing kit.

Near the table, Barry was lying on a cot, completely unconscious with a needle stuck in his arm.

"Oh, my God," Iris whispered, covering her mouth.

Caitlin moved toward Barry, immediately crouching down beside him and feeling for a pulse, listening to his breathing. She opened his eyes to check for pupil reaction. She had to make sure he didn't overdose or something.

Cisco looked at the morphine. "How is this possible? Barry's metabolism should be able to burn right through this."

"You do realize Allen is an expert in chemistry, right?" Julian asked. "If he wanted to get high, he could just engineer morphine strong enough to do the trick."

"He's right," Caitlin admitted.

"Wait, we're saying Barry is a drug addict?" Wally asked.

"We're not saying anything yet," Iris said.

"Sweetie, you know what this looks like," Joe said.

"There has to be an explanation," she insisted. "He's been showing signs of pain."

Caitlin looked him over. "There's nothing psychically wrong with him. I'm sorry, Iris, but I think the signs of pain are probably symptoms of withdrawal. He started taking in shaky breaths once, which is a sign of agitation or anxiety, both symptoms of morphine withdrawal. I also saw him looking kind of sweaty once and his eyes seemed watery at one point. Both of those can also be symptoms of morphine withdrawal. It's different for every person, though, and Barry obviously doesn't let the withdrawal get that far, so he never shows too many signs."

Iris felt tears well in her eyes. "What pushed him to this? Why would he deliberately create his own morphine so he could get high?"

"Barry's been alone a long time, Iris," Joe said, equally upset. "Maybe he does this to cope."

"Some hero," Wally muttered.

Cisco shot him a look. "Don't, Wally. Not right now. Barry's been alone for twenty years. None of us understand what that's like."

Wally looked away. Part of him felt bad for Barry, because Cisco was right: Barry had been alone for twenty years and it apparently pushed him to become an addict. But at the same time, Wally had been competing with Barry for so long that any opportunity to prove he was better, that _he_ wouldn't cave to whatever caused Barry to become like this was something he wanted. He didn't realize that if he was in Barry's shoes, he would be doing the exact same thing. The fact that Barry hadn't already killed himself to escape the pain none of them knew about or could even fathom showed just how strong he really was.

"What are other symptoms of withdrawal, Caitlin?" Joe asked.

"They're often flu-like," Caitlin said. "Fever, watery eyes, runny nose, vomiting, nausea, chills, sweating, headaches, muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, increased blood pressure, agitation, anxiety, irritation, depression, disorientation, insomnia… they can be psychological too. When someone abuses morphine, the drug stimulates the brain's reward system. It's what motivates the user to keep using the drug to the point where they can develop a dependence on it. They keep using the drug to feel normal. Once we take Barry off the drug, he will go through withdrawal until his brain can learn to function normally without it."

"Will taking him off the morphine endanger his life, Caitlin?" Cisco asked.

"No," she shook her head. "Symptoms of withdrawal aren't usually life-threatening. They are intense, though, so we need to be prepared. Barry's not going to want to quit taking it. The process can be really stressful."

"How long will it last?" Joe asked.

"They usually last for about six days," she said. "But cravings can continue for weeks to months afterwards, as can the anxiety, irritability, and depression. Most of the physical symptoms will be gone somewhere around three to five days."

"Do you think it will be different considering he's engineered morphine strong enough to knock him out with his metabolism?" Julian asked.

"Maybe," she said, "but I doubt it. The reason Barry is using this kind of morphine is because of how quickly his metabolism works. Whatever he's using would probably be lethal to a normal person, but to him, it would be just like taking regular morphine."

"How do we keep him from taking any more?" Iris asked.

Caitlin glanced back at Barry. The needle was still in his arm. Gently, she pulled it out and set it aside on the table.

"I don't know," she said. "We could always lock him in the pipeline."

"No," Joe shook his head. Last time they did that, it was when Barry wanted to race Zoom. He still remembered Barry yelling at them to let him out, his eyes filled with anger and grief. They locked him up when he was still grieving his father's death. Joe sometimes wondered if part of the reason why Barry created Flashpoint was because he felt abandoned by his family in that moment and no longer trusted them. "We can't do that to him again. I won't leave him when he's in pain."

"What do you mean again?" H. R. asked.

They explained about locking Barry in the pipeline.

"Wait, you're telling me you locked Allen in the pipeline when he was grieving?" Julian stared at them. "Seriously?"

"We needed to take down Zoom," Cisco said. "And we were afraid Barry was going to get himself killed. None of us liked it, but we had to do something. We'd rather lock Barry up than see him dead."

"We can't lock him in the pipeline," Iris said. "I agree with Dad; we can't just lock Barry up every time we think he might hurt himself. Besides, last time we locked him in the pipeline to keep him from hurting himself. There was no way anything bad could happen to him in there. But now if we lock him in there, he could start going through withdrawal and need our help. If we do that, someone will have to stay there with him the whole time."

"Iris is right," Caitlin said. "It's not a good idea for him to be alone while going through withdrawal."

"We also need to find out why Barry started doing this in the first place," Joe said.

"Alright," Caitlin said, taking a step back from Barry. "Let's get him in the pipeline and create shifts for us to be watching him. We're going to have to lock him up somewhere; it may as well be somewhere he can't get out. We just can't leave him alone this time."

Joe stepped forward, scooping his son up into his arm with a grunt. Barry was heavier than he looked seeing as he may be lean, but he was pure muscle. The team started making their way to the pipeline.

As Joe carried Barry to the pipeline, still not liking the idea, but understanding the necessity of it as long as someone was with Barry at all times, Barry seemed to lean in closer to Joe. A pang entered his heart as Barry leaned into his touch, seeking comfort from him. Barry had been alone a really long time and hadn't been spending a lot of time with them since they got here, probably because he was getting high every few hours. He had been deprived of human contact for a long time and being alone just wasn't in Barry's nature. Even when he was living alone for a while, Barry always came back and visited.

They opened the door to a pipeline cell and Joe gently placed Barry down on the ground inside.

They closed the cell and stood outside, waiting for the unconscious speedster to wake up.

* * *

 **AN: I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Next one will involve the team confronting Barry about the morphine. Please review so I know what everyone thinks.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning: Suicide attempt. Not too graphic.**

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

Barry woke with a small groan. The first thing he noticed was he was no longer on his cot; he was lying on a cold, metallic floor.

Eyes widening in shock, Barry sprang to his feet at super speed and ran, only to be stopped by a glass wall in front of him. He stumbled back, dazed from the unexpected impact and the leftover traces of the morphine.

"Barry."

He saw his friends standing outside the pipeline cell he was in and sighed. "You caught me. I didn't think you would, at least not this soon."

"Barry, you know what you're doing is wrong, right?" Caitlin asked. "You know you need to stop."

Barry shook his head. "I can't stop."

"Yes, you can, Bar," Joe said. "We're all going to help you stop."

"No, you can't," Barry was getting desperate. "The morphine- I need it."

"Barry, you don't need it," Iris said. "We're going to help you get through this."

"The same way you helped me get through my father's death?" he demanded, eyes flashing angrily as he slammed a fist against the glass.

"Bar, we're not leaving you alone this time," Joe promised. "We're going to be here with you every step of the way. You'll get through this. Whatever pushed you to start taking this morphine… you don't have to rely on it anymore. We're not leaving you ever again."

Barry laughed bitterly. "You think I started taking this because I was _lonely?_ I created Gideon because I was lonely; I didn't start getting high because I wanted company. Though I'll admit, it was nice hallucinating all of you."

"Barry…" Cisco whispered, not sure what to say to him. He hated seeing his best friend like this.

"Allen, mate," Julian started. "You're one of the strongest people I know. You took on a giant, telepathic gorilla for crying out loud! If anyone can get through this, you can."

"The withdrawal isn't going to be fun, Barry," Caitlin said, "but we'll be here with you every step of the way."

"I don't care about the withdrawal, dammit!" Barry yelled, eyes sparking with blue lightning. "That's the easy part! Sadly, it's not a part I'm going to get to."

"Yes, you are," Joe said firmly. "You're staying in there until you ride this out, you understand me, son?"

"I can't ride this out, Joe!" Barry screamed. "None of you understand. You have no idea. I _need_ it. You have to let me out!"

"Bartholmew Henry Allen, you do not _need_ this," Iris said. "This is not healthy. Your dependence on morphine is going to kill you. What if you overdose on it? I'm sorry, Barry, but we're not going to enable you to hurt yourself."

Barry flinched. They didn't realize it, but that was exactly what they were doing. He almost told them, but closed his mouth one second after he opened it. How was he supposed to tell them he was breaking and there was nothing they could do about it? They would act like he had given up too soon, but the truth was, Barry hadn't. He'd tried so hard to fix the speed force, but the tear ripping it apart was too great. It was beyond him. There literally was nothing to be done about it, but not from a lack of trying.

Tears were in Iris's eyes and Barry felt even worse. He hated seeing her cry, and he especially hated being the cause.

She turned around and left the room before she could stop sobbing. H.R. followed her. Comforting people was one of the things he did best.

"We're not leaving you alone down here, Bar," Joe said. "I'm going to stay with you, okay?"

Barry said nothing. He watched as his friends slowly made their way out of the room and as Joe sat down outside the cell. At least he wasn't alone this time.

* * *

Joe tried talking to Barry, but the speedster wouldn't reply. He'd heard a few whimpers from him, though. Right now he was sitting with his knees tucked up to his chest, face hidden. He was shaking a bit, but Joe thought that was probably a sign of the withdrawal. Didn't Caitlin say chills were a side effect of morphine withdrawal?

"Are you cold, Bar?"

Barry didn't respond. He just kept shaking, his fingers curled into the skin of his legs, digging into the flesh under his suit like claws.

"Barry?"

He still didn't respond.

Joe hesitated, staring at his son for a few more moments, before he got up and opened the door to the pipeline cell, heading in. He knew it was a risk to open the door to the cell, but he figured Barry wasn't in a fit state to go running off. And even if he was, he would most likely go straight for his morphine, so it wasn't like he would go running off and they would never see him again.

Joe crouched down beside Barry and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Barry flinched.

"Bar, look at me," Joe said.

He glanced down at Barry's hands and noticed his fingers had dug into the suit enough that he was staining it red. He was bleeding. Joe's eyes widened in shock. Didn't Barry say this was a very durable version of his suit? How hard was he digging his fingernails into himself? Joe noticed the fingernails themselves were breaking.

Joe instantly grabbed Barry's hands and pulled them away from him. "Barry! Look at me!"

Barry glanced up at Joe. His eyes were wet, but this wasn't the watery eye symptom Caitlin mentioned. They were tears. There was so much pain in his eyes; Joe had never seen anything like it before, and Barry had been beaten up quite a bit while being the Flash. The next thing Joe noticed was the blood on Barry's chin, dripping down from his mouth. He'd bitten his tongue.

"Barry…" he touched his shoulder and the dam broke.

The final bit of movement was the last straw and Barry couldn't keep it in anymore. His pupils dilated and his eyes filled to the brim with pain like one would fill a glass with water. The scream that exited his throat was bloodcurdling and made every hair on the back of Joe's neck stand on end.

"CAITLIN!" Joe yelled.

The team got there quickly, Wally having sped them down there at super speed.

"We saw the whole thing on the security cameras," Caitlin said, immediately moving into the pipeline.

Barry was still screaming, and his breathing was harsh, quick, and rough, like he was hyperventilating. His body was racked with spasm with pain. His eyes were wild, not focusing on any of them. Rather, they darted around the room unseeingly. Until they suddenly focused on his wrists.

Barry clawed at his wrist with his already torn up fingernails. Blood spurted out of the wounds he made.

"Barry!"

Joe and Cisco held down Barry's arms and Julian held down his legs as he thrashed. All of them were shocked; Barry just tried to kill himself.

"What's wrong with him?" Iris asked, terrified at what she was seeing.

"I don't know!" Caitlin said, putting pressure on the wound Barry created on his wrist. "I… morphine. Iris was right; Barry _is_ in pain. Oh, my God. Wally, go get some morphine from the time vault."

Wally hesitated, staring down at Barry with wide eyes, unable to believe this was actually happening.

"Wally!" Joe yelled, snapping the speedster out of it.

Wally darted out of the room, yellow lightning in his wake. He was back a few moments later with a syringe of morphine.

Caitlin took it from him instantly and injected it into Barry's arm. The pain instantly soothed and Barry's eyes fluttered shut.

"Come on, guys," Caitlin said. "We need to get him into the med bay. I need to stitch up his wrist and take a look at his tongue."

"What's happening to him, Caitlin?" Cisco asked.

She shook her head. "I have no idea. There's nothing psychically wrong with him. There's no reason he should be in pain. But that definitely wasn't a symptom of morphine withdrawal."

"When Barry wakes up, he has a lot of explaining to do."

* * *

 **AN: Normally I wouldn't have a lot of time to be updating, but I'm out sick today and therefore did not go to school. Guess my misfortune is my readers' good luck :). Hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Next one, they will find out why Barry is taking the morphine, and then the real fun can finally begin... not going to tell you what I mean by that.**

 **Please review!**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: So, if Barry seems a little angry in this chapter, just remember, this a version of Barry who has been alone for 20 years, just went through a lot of pain, is still in some pain, and is having to explain to his friends and family about the speed force breaking when he really doesn't want to. Also, remember this version of Barry _is_ based off the future Flash of the comics. Future Flash isn't his younger self's biggest fan, so Barry will say some things about his past choices and how he regrets them.**

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

Barry woke with a groan, his vision a little blurry, the pain in his body slightly sharp, but much better than it had been earlier. He remembered feeling like he'd been set on fire and eviscerated at the same time. It was excruciating. This was heavenly in comparison.

"Barry?" he heard a voice that sounded familiar.

Barry blinked a few times and saw Joe hovering over him, a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"J-Joe?"

"I'm right here, Bar," he said, rubbing circles into the speedster's shoulder.

Barry tried to sit up, only to find there was something keeping him down. He glanced at his wrists and saw they were restrained. One glance at his ankles showed him his feet were too.

"So… I've been upgraded from a pipeline cell to tied to a bed, huh?" Barry asked.

"It's just a precaution, Barry," Joe said. He felt guilty for tying his son down, but at the same time, Joe didn't want to risk him running away. He knew Barry probably wouldn't, but he loved him too much to take the chance. They all did.

"Where is everyone?" Barry asked.

"Out in the cortex," he replied. "I'm going to go get them, alright?"

"Okay," he nodded.

Joe exited the room.

Barry let out a small sigh. He wouldn't be able to avoid explaining it to them now. He would have to tell them what was happening.

Gently, he tugged on the restraints on his wrists. He hated being tied down in anyway, or kept in small spaces like the pipeline. Barry was a speedster. Speedsters weren't made to be confined; they needed open places to _run._ Barry often found when he didn't run he ended up getting anxious.

Even though he knew after that last bout of pain he endured, he should be resting, Barry vibrated the molecules in his wrists and ankles until he was able to phase out of the restraints and sit up.

A few moments later, the Team walked in.

"You untied him? What if he ran?" Caitlin asked, looking at Joe.

"I untied myself," Barry said. "Have you guys forgotten I can phase?"

"We honestly thought you'd be too weak to," Cisco admitted.

"Are you okay?" Iris asked, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Barry nodded. "I'm fine now."

"Yeah, now," H.R. said. "Before…" he shook his head, still disturbed by the invisible forces that seemed to attack Barry with pain earlier.

"Before I was writhing around on the ground like I was on fire, I know," Barry said, about to push himself to his feet.

Caitlin placed a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down. "You should be resting."

Barry nodded, deciding it was best not to argue.

"We took a sample of your blood while you were out, Allen," Julian said. "Caitlin and I analyzed it, but there was nothing wrong with you."

"There's nothing wrong that you can _see,"_ Barry said.

"What do you mean, Bar?" Joe asked.

"It's the speed force," Barry sighed. He really had no choice now. He had to tell them the truth, regardless of how they would react. He would just have to convince them that there was nothing to be done about it, that he had already tried to fix the speed force and found it to be impossible.

"What about the speed force?" Iris asked.

"It's broken," Barry said.

"What do you mean the speed force is broken?" Cisco asked. "How is that even possible?"

"The speed force is a living thing," Barry said. "It was there when the first subatomic particle sprang forth from the big bang to form reality as we know it. When the last proton decays and stops vibrating, plunging the universe into heat death, it will be there too. I've talked to the speed force before. I know, that's like saying you can have a conversation with gravity or light, but it's true. And the speed force can break. We broke it."

"What do you mean?" Caitlin asked.

"Speedsters… we _broke_ it," Barry said. "Thawne when he ran back in time the first time and killed my mother, me when I created Flashpoint, Zoom when he used V9 and repeatedly created time remnants, Trajectory when she used V9 to grant herself access to the speed force when she wasn't supposed to have it, the Rival and Wally getting their speed… Savitar and me fighting through Central City, ripping it apart in our wake… it _broke._ We tore a hole in it."

"So, the speed force needs a Band-Aid?" H.R. asked, raising his eyebrows. "I don't understand, what does that have to do with you being in pain?"

"I'm connected to the speed force," Barry said. "It's falling apart; so am I."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Wally protested. "I'm connected to the speed force too. I don't feel anything."

"Wally, we're not connected to it in the same way," Barry said, shaking his head slightly.

"What, are you saying you're better than me?" Wally demanded angrily.

"No, I'm saying you're luckier than me," he snapped back, eyes blazing with blue lightning, causing Wally to take a step back. He'd never actually made Barry mad before; the other speedster always seemed to have all the patience in the world to deal with everything he threw at him, but not today it seemed, not after he'd been alone and in pain for twenty years. "The speed force _chose_ me to be its vessel. The creation of other speedsters was unintentional by the speed force. The Reverse Flash recreated the experiment that gave me my powers and that's how he forged a connection, Zoom just happened to be getting shock therapy when the particle accelerator went off, Jesse got hit by the second particle accelerator and pieces of my molecules after I'd been dragged into the speed force, you picked up a _stone,_ Wally… the speed force sent a bolt of lightning to strike me at the exact right moment so I would fall into a rack of chemicals. It told me the lightning came from the very heart of it. It wasn't _normal_ lightning; it was energy from the speed force. And because of that, I generate the speed force with every step I take. I essentially _am_ the speed force, or at least a living embodiment of it on Earth. If it breaks, so do I. Other speedsters… you get all the benefits of a connection from the speed force, but none of the burden of _dying with it."_

"You… you're dying?" Iris asked, horrified.

"Not exactly," Barry said. "But if I didn't take my morphine? I would. My heart wouldn't be able to take it."

"You wouldn't be able to take it either," Caitlin said, gently touching his wrist. The wound Barry tore there had already healed, but there was no denying that it had been there earlier. Barry tried to kill himself right in front of them.

"No," he whispered. "I wouldn't. Take the worst pain you've ever felt and multiply it by a hundred. Then ask me not to kill myself when you lock me in a cell so I can't ease it."

"Barry, we didn't know," she said.

"And I get that," Barry said. "Part of that's on me, seeing as I didn't tell you, but can you blame me for not wanting to?"

"No," Caitlin whispered. She really couldn't. She didn't want to tell anyone about her powers because she knew they were destructive. How could she blame Barry for not wanting to tell anyone that his powers were, in a way, killing him?

"Barry, why don't we just fix the speed force?" Joe asked.

"Because the speed force needs more than a _Band-Aid,"_ Barry said. "It needs _energy_ to fix it. I looked for the tear for a long time to try to fix it, and by the time I found it, it was too late. It was too big. It's beyond me."

"What if Wally helped you?" Joe asked. "Could you close it together?"

"No," Barry shook his head. "It's too big. I tried it with ten time remnants. It was too much, and it only made it worse. And then I had to murder myself ten times, so…"

"So, what, we let you live in pain for the rest of your life?" Iris demanded.

"It's the only option we have," Barry said. "You think I like it? You think I like feeling like I've been dipped in a volcano? If I could fix the speed force, I would, but I can't. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Bar," Joe said. "This isn't your fault."

"When will people stop telling me that? This _is_ my fault," Barry snarled, getting to his feet in a flash, blue lightning crackling around him. "Flashpoint? That's on me, and it worsened the tear. I don't care if I was blinded by grief, I should have known better. And then my fight with Savitar. That's finally made the tear get to this point. It was just too much. There had been too many speed force conduits and too much time travel. The speed force couldn't take the abuse. With so many speedsters existing, my top speed was too much for the speed force. When I stopped Savitar… when he disappeared… that's when the tear ripped open to the point where it was large enough it could cause some actual damage, and he was sucked into it."

"So, why don't we just go back in time when the tear was still small and fix it then?" Cisco asked. "Or at least prevent it from getting this large."

"There you guys go asking me to time travel again! That's only going to make this worse!" Barry exclaimed. "Time traveling has to be a last resort. If we break the time barrier without say, the speed force finally collapsing first, then all we're going to do is worsen the tear. It won't be worth it."

"Barry, what happens when the speed force collapses?" Caitlin asked warily, not sure she wanted to know the answer.

"I already told you," he whispered. "The speed force made this world. When it dies…"

"The universe gets plunged into heat death," Julian murmured, horrified.

* * *

 **AN: Well, I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Barry has finally explained why he is in pain and about the speed force breaking. It's my headcanon that Barry was chosen specifically by the speed force to be its conduit and all the other speedsters were sort of accidents. If you think about it, it does kind of seem that way. For every speedster who we know how they got their speed, it really doesn't seem like the speed force went out of their way to give them powers, whereas it is quite plausible that the lightning was sent by the speed force. Oliver even said he thought the bolt of lightning chose Barry, and Oliver tends to be right. After the last episode, it also seems like the speed force in a way favors Barry above all speedsters. If you haven't seen that episode, warning for spoilers. The speed force was willing to let Wally and Jay both stay in the prison future Barry made, but it wasn't willing to let Barry stay in it. The speed force also said to him, " _you're_ the Flash" near the end of season two, whereas in season three, it casually said, "Wally's a Flash". There is a difference between _The_ Flash and _a_ Flash. So, yeah, it's just my personal headcanon that he was chosen by the speed force and that's why he generates it with every step he takes, because he is genuinely part of the speed force, whereas other speedsters weren't specifically chosen and while they have a connection to the speed force, they can only tap into it rather than generate it. **

**In the comics, the speed force was broken by speedsters abusing it and that's part of the reason future Flash came back to the past, to fix it. So, when Barry went his top speed in this fic to stop Savitar, the tear that was already starting to form got huge. The reason why Barry doesn't want to time travel is because he is afraid that will just make things worse. He knows time travel worsens the tear, so if he can't fix it by going back in time, then all he did was make it even bigger.**

 **Thanks for reading! Please review and let me know what you think :)**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	8. Chapter 8

**Warnings for drug use, which I'm pretty sure if you're still reading this, you're okay with.**

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

They rarely mention the morphine anymore. It's been two weeks since his friends and family found out Barry needed morphine in order to not writhe in pain because he was basically falling apart with the speed force.

But, just because they didn't mention it didn't mean they didn't _think_ about it. They all seemed to watch him now when he thought he wasn't looking, looking for signs of pain, wondering when he was going to run off again to shoot up.

Barry hated it. He loved having his family here, of course, but part of him liked it better when it was just him and Gideon. She never looked at him like he was broken, like he was about to fall apart any second just like he did when they gave him his powers back via the second particle accelerator explosion.

At the same time, he wouldn't change the fact that they were here for anything. Sure, they sometimes looked at him like he was a broken toy now, but at the same time, he would rather have them here and looking at him with sadness and pity rather than dead at the bottom of the ocean like the metahuman told him they were, never to look at him again at all.

Barry stepped off his treadmill when the pain changed from dull to sharp.

Iris was watching him, staring at him with an unreadable expression in her eyes.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I just… I know where you're going now," she said, "and that kills me inside. Part of me liked it better when I didn't know where you went when you left, when you started looking like you were in pain for some reason."

"I liked it better when you didn't know either," he whispered. "I liked it better when you all didn't look at me like that."

"Like what?" Iris asked.

"Like I'm dying," Barry said. "I'm not dying. Not yet."

"Yet," she murmured. "I don't want you dying at all. Ever."

"Everything dies, Iris," he shook his head. "It just takes me longer thanks to the speed force."

"Does it? Sure, your aging is decelerated, but you're still _dying,"_ she insisted. "The speed force is _killing you._ It's causing you pain." Tears welled in Iris's eyes. "I hate seeing you in pain."

"So don't look," Barry said.

She shook her head. "I can't. It wouldn't change a thing. I know you're in pain now. All the time, you're in pain, and I hate it. I hate that there is nothing I can do for you."

"You… you could… never mind," he looked away shyly, as if embarrassed to have even thought of what he was about to say to her.

"I could what?" she asked.

He didn't answer.

"Barry, I love you," Iris said. "Whatever it is, I'll do it."

He glanced up at her. "You still love me?"

"Of _course_ I still love you," she said. "How could you think I couldn't?"

"I guess… I just forget sometimes," Barry said. "It's been twenty years for me, but to you, no time has really passed."

"Oh," she said. "Do you… do you still love me?"

"I'll always love you, Iris," he said, smiling sadly.

She smiled back. "Tell me what it is you need me to do, Barry."

"I just… I don't want to be alone anymore, Iris," he said in a small, broken voice. "Could you… sit with me? When I… you know."

"When you shoot up," she murmured in realization.

"I understand if you don't want to," Barry said quickly.

"No," she said. "I want to. I want to be with you, to make this easier on you."

Relief entered his eyes. "Thank you."

"Of course," she said, taking his hand. "Let's go."

The two of them made their way to the time vault and Barry used the handprint scanner to open the door. The two of them headed inside and Iris saw his cot and the table where he brewed his morphine.

She glared at the syringes of morphine with a hatred she didn't even know she was capable of. Part of her wanted to smash them to pieces, to never allow those drugs to poison Barry's mind again, but she knew if she did that the pain inflicted on him by the speed force would poison him instead.

Iris hated the morphine, but she hated the speed force more.

Barry picked up a syringe of morphine and a belt before making his way to the cot and sitting down in the center of it. Iris followed him, sitting down on the edge, watching him.

Barry looked slightly nervous. He had never done this before in front of them, in front of anyone, excepting Gideon of course.

Iris gave him a reassuring smile.

Barry tightened the belt around his arm and slipped the needle into his vein. He pushed down on the plunger and the pain faded instantaneously.

Barry fell back onto the cot, his vision blurring. Everything seemed brighter for a moment, the world was out of focus. Iris was sitting next to him, but her face was split in three.

"Barry?" her voice was _so_ far away, so distant it sounded like she was miles and miles away trying to call out to him, but he could barely hear her.

He wanted to reply back, but he was so tired, he couldn't even get his mouth to open, couldn't get his tongue to work. He felt heavy, he felt relief.

He felt nothing.

And then he knew no more.

* * *

Iris sat beside Barry, running a hand gently through his hair. He'd been out for a couple of hours.

Eventually, the unconscious speedster started stirring. Iris smiled at him as he opened his eyes.

"Hey," she whispered.

"Hi," he murmured back, voice weak. He still seemed like he was a little out of it.

Barry struggled to sit up, but Iris held him down gentle. "Just stay down for a while," she told him. "Just rest."

He smiled up at her.

"Are you in pain right now?" she asked.

"I'm always in pain," Barry whispered back.

Iris's heart broke. "Oh, Barry. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," he said. "It's mine. I'm the one who ran to fast when fighting Savitar. I'm the one who broke the speed force."

"No," she shook her head. "This isn't your fault. It's the speed force's. The speed force may have only ever intentionally given you speed, but it gave other speedsters their speed as well, even if it didn't mean to. It could have taken it away or never allowed it to be granted to them in the first place, but it did. And it's all those other speedsters existing that made it unsafe for you to run that fast. You didn't know, Barry. The speed force should have."

"Don't blame the speed force," he shook his head. "The speed force is the only reason any of us are even alive at all."

"The speed force is also what's killing you," she said bitterly. "It's killing the world."

"I don't want to talk about death right now," Barry said.

She sighed. "Okay."

Iris glanced back at the table where he kept the morphine. There were only a few syringes left.

"You're getting low," she said. "On morphine."

Barry glanced over. "I'll need to see August again soon."

Iris frowned. She didn't like August. She got a bad vibe from him, after all, he _was_ selling Barry drugs in exchange for blood samples. It was like he was experimenting on him and getting him high at the same time. But she also had to be grateful to him. If he didn't give Barry the poppies to make his morphine with, Barry would have died from the pain a long time ago.

"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked. "When you see him?"

Barry shook his head. "No, I'll go alone. I know you don't like him."

"That doesn't matter," she said. "I may not like him, but I love you. I don't want you alone with him."

He laughed. "I've been alone with him before, Iris. He's never done anything bad to me. He can't."

Iris frowned. "You may be fast, but you're not invincible, Barry. I want to go with you. I'm sure my dad does too. All our friends probably would if you asked."

"I've missed you," Barry said suddenly, his eyes welling with tears. "I've missed _all_ of you."

She stroked his hair gently, sadly. "I love you, Bar."

Before he could reply, Iris leaned down and pressed her lips to his, kissing the man she loved no matter how broken he was.

 **AN: Please review and let me know what you all think :). I'm hoping to get at least one more chapter updated this weekend, but no promises since I have no idea what will happen tomorrow.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

* * *

Iris and Joe both went with Barry when he went to see August next. Iris was right when the entire team offered to go with him, but Barry said it was rather unnecessary and would look suspicious.

"Why would it look suspicious?" Iris had asked, confused.

"Because," Barry replied. "I told August we only recently met. That the only reason you guys seemed _protective_ of me when he was trying to take my blood was because you didn't want to lose your only source of protection in the anarchy we're living in. And it's better that way. I don't want him knowing how much we care about each other. I don't trust him enough for that."

"But you trust him enough to steal your blood," Joe said.

"More like buy it, but yeah," Barry said. "He's never done anything bad to me, guys. He could have laced the tip of the syringe with a sedative like the tranquilizer you used on me when I wanted to race Zoom to knock me out with and then I could have woken up strapped to a table as he runs creepy experiments. But he's never done that."

"But you were willing to risk the fact that he might?" Cailtin was appalled.

"Look at it from my perspective, Cait," Barry said. "I'm alone. I don't have anyone to miss me. And I'm in pain. He offered a way for me to ease that in exchange for some blood. If he had double crossed me, well, he thinks I'm a drug addict; he doesn't realize I'm in excruciating pain. He'd never know what happened before my heart gave out. If he ever did start torturing me, he would only be able to run tests for a few hours at most. And I…"

"Would be dead," Cisco whispered. He still had trouble believing that his best friend was in so much pain, that he'd been alone for twenty years dealing with it.

Eventually, they'd finished their conversation, said their good byes, and Barry raced them over to August's bunker.

The former doctor grinned when he saw them. His black hair was ruffled a little, like he'd just woken up recently, but he was already clad in his white lab coat.

"Flash," he said happily. "And the return of the _friends._ What can I do for you all?"

Barry looked ashamed for a moment, and then he murmured, "I'm running low on… on morphine."

August looked surprised. "They know?"

"They found out," he replied.

"And… they still stuck around?"

"They don't care," Barry said.

"Why would we pass up good protection just because it has a drug problem?" Iris asked smoothly.

August shrugged. "Fair point, considering I don't pass up his blood just because it's filled to the brim with drugs. Well, you know the drill. I get two pints of blood, you get the poppies you need for another two months."

Barry nodded.

"Only, this time I only want one pint," August said.

Barry's brow furrowed in confusion. "What?" that wasn't like August. He always wanted full payment.

"Because I want something else instead of the second one," he continued.

"What do you want?" Barry asked.

"I want a skin sample," he said.

The speedster stilled. "Why?"

"Think about it, Flash," August said. "I've gotten a lot of research from studying your blood. I almost understand how the metagene works, but it lies in your skin tissue as well as your blood. It's throughout all of you. It's in your blood, your flesh, your muscle, your bones… everything. I just want to look at a square of your skin. I want to see what makes your cells different from say, mine. Or hers," he looked at Iris. "Or his," he looked at Joe.

"You're going to cut out a piece of his skin?" Iris was angry.

"Yeah, he is," Barry said, already moving to sit down at the table where August took his blood.

"Bar- _Flash,"_ Joe said. "We can't let you do this."

"Why not?" he looked over at his foster dad. "It's just a skin sample. It's no big deal. I gave one to Caitlin once back after I just got my powers. She wanted to take a look at my DNA. Getting a chunk of my skin removed is better than the only other option I have."

"Yes, I've heard morphine withdrawal isn't fun," August said, cleaning an area on Barry's arm to stick the needle for the pint of blood he was going to take.

Iris and Joe glared viciously at August. He found it surprising just how protective they were of the Flash. This had to be more than just a need for protection; no one looked at someone like that unless they were hurting someone they loved. But August decided not to comment on it.

Once the needle was in Barry's arm, slowly taking the blood from his vein into a pint-sized bag, August pulled out a scalpel.

"This is going to hurt a bit," he warned him.

"I've had worse," Barry replied.

And even though both Iris and Joe knew that was true, they stepped closer. Joe gripped one of Barry's hands and squeezed it, letting him know he was there.

 _Yep,_ August thought, _they care about him._

He moved the scalpel toward Barry's arm and started cutting. It was amazing how the Flash didn't even flinch. August almost smiled, wondering if the ability to dampen pain was a side effect of his speed or something else entirely.

Once August had removed a small square of Barry's skin and placed it in a petri dish, he slid the needle out of Barry's arm, the blood bag full.

August gave the Flash and his two friends the poppies with a smile. "Pleasure doing business with you, as always, Flash."

The Flash just nodded. August noticed with glee that his arm was already starting to scab over, the blood clotting rapidly.

Barry zipped Iris, Joe, and his new supply of poppies out of there, on his way back to STAR Labs.

"You should let Caitlin take a look at your arm," Joe said when they reached their destination.

Barry shook his head, wrapping a bandage around it. "It'll heal in a couple hours. It's not worth a doctor's attention."

"Still," Iris said. "I can't believe you let him cut into you."

"What choice did I have?" Barry asked. "I don't know what he plans to do with his research, and I can't afford to care. There's nothing I could do about it anyway. I'm… I'm _sick._ You're right; I'm _dying._ I can't do anything about it, either. The only thing keeping me alive is drugs and the only place to get them is from August. I can't find them anywhere else. I don't want to die, Iris. Not now. Maybe before it would have been okay, but now that I have all of you back…"

Iris pulled him into her arms, cupping the back of his head. "It's okay," she assured him. "I know."

Joe moved closer, wrapping his two kids up in his arms. He wished Barry didn't have to give up pieces of himself for research purposes, but he understood it. He had no idea the level of pain Barry dealt with on a daily basis, but from what the speedster had told them, it was bad. And Joe would rather he give up a piece of skin and a pint of blood than writhe on the ground in pain until his heart gave out.

* * *

August Heart sat in his lab a week later, looking gleefully at the syringe of yellow lightning in his hand, the syringe of _speed._

It had taken a skin sample to finally extract the amount of warped DNA he needed. He'd gotten some from the blood samples, but the speed inside the Flash laid in more than just his blood and the skin held even more of it.

It wasn't easy extracting speed when the subject wasn't running. This was more like residue speed than any of his actual speed, like the lightning he gave off when he ran, except yellow like it originally was rather than blue. But enough samples and he had gotten what he needed. The skin just speeded up a process that probably would have taken at least another year.

August jammed the needle into his chest, injecting the lightning into himself.

Raw power coursed through his veins and he felt the lightning in his eyes.

Godspeed was finally born.

 **AN: Please review and let me know what you think. I'm hoping to update again sometime soon, maybe even this weekend, but no promises.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

A couple days passed since Barry, Iris, and Joe went to see August. Barry brewed more morphine. It was almost uncanny how good he was at it, considering the Barry they were with about a month ago wouldn't even know where to begin to brew morphine. It wasn't that he couldn't learn-he could obviously learn, considering-but he never would have dreamed of it. Barry hated drugs. He saw them as a weakness and a way to destroy yourself. But now that he was weak, now that he was dying, he had little choice in the matter.

Joe and Iris told the rest of the team about August taking a sample of Barry's skin. They were all shocked. Caitlin especially was suspicious. When she had taken a sample of his DNA, it was to see what exactly had happened to him, how warped it was from the lightning and the dark matter. August already _knew_ metas had been warped by the dark matter. So why would he feel the need to study it? It wasn't reversible, and even if it was, how would he reverse the effects of dark matter in every single metahuman?

Meanwhile, they were all starting to get bored. They weren't like Barry, who would gladly run all day when he wasn't passed out from morphine. And board games and reading the same books over and over again wasn't exactly an appealing way to spend the rest of their lives.

"Seriously, Barry," Cisco said, "how do you live like this?"

Barry shrugged. "I just do. It's been twenty years. It's gotten easy. It's… normal. Just… think about how animals feel when we lock them in cages. They can do nothing but sit there, or lie there, and think or sleep. That's all they have to do, yet somehow they stay sane. We may be more intelligent, but humans are technically animals too, you know. Anything alive with flesh and blood is. So, we can do the same so long as we have something to occupy our minds. Life doesn't always have to be exciting."

"Dude, I'm not going to sit around all day and do nothing but think," Cisco said.

"I never said you had to. You just have to find one thing you enjoy to keep yourself busy. I run to keep myself busy. You could come running with me," Barry said teasingly, one of the first real smiles they'd seen from him stretching his lips. That was partially because he had just woken up from his last dose of morphine, so the pain was still rather dull compared to how it could get.

Cisco laughed. "No. No way. I'd die."

Barry laughed too. "Alright," he said. "What do you want to do?"

"I miss building things," he said.

"So, build something. We _are_ in STAR Labs, you know," he said. "It may be in ruins compared to how it was before, but there's still a lot of technology here. What do you want to build?"

"I… I was thinking… a time machine."

Barry stilled. "Cisco…"

"I know, you said no time travel, and I totally understand why," Cisco said quickly. "But think about it: if the speed force ever does break and the universe plunges into heat death, you said that would be the only thing that would push you to travel back in time. Well, you can travel through time, and I guess so can Wally, but none of us can. And you don't know what will happen if you drag another person who isn't a speedster with you through time. We could rip apart or something. The Reverse Flash had me build a time machine to get back to his own time; I could build us one. Problem is, I only know how to build a one-person time machine. I don't know how to build a bigger one."

Barry avoided his gaze for a moment, and then locked eyes with him. "I understand what you're saying. I do. And I don't think it's a bad idea. You're right if the universe ever does get plunged into heat death that would be the time I would go back. Because then it doesn't really matter if I change the past, because if I don't, the future doesn't exist anymore. I highly doubt anyone would have anything against that, even if I swore to myself I would never travel through time again." He paused, for a moment just staring at Cisco with an intensity that almost made the engineer look away. Barry's eyes were so different. They were hard, they were intense, they were sad, and they were _wise._ There was an intelligence in them that Cisco hadn't even seen in the fake Wells's eyes.

"I'll help you," Barry said. "I know how to build a bigger time machine. It'll take a little while, but we can do it. Just know, I won't open a portal in time an space unless we have no other choice."

Cisco nodded. "I understand, Barry."

Barry gave him a small smile. "Come on. Let's get building."

* * *

A couple weeks passed and Barry and Cisco finished building the time machine.

"So," Iris said, "this is our way home if the universe ever dies."

"Pretty much," Cisco said. "Barry won't open a portal unless the universe is plunged into heat death, so…"

"And with good reason," Barry said. "I won't create another Flashpoint. And Wally, you're not to open a portal either unless absolutely necessary, understand?"

Wally nodded. Ever since Barry snapped at him when he told them about the speed force breaking, Wally had been challenging Barry less. This Barry didn't seem to tolerate the sibling rivalry Wally had created. But then again, the Barry they left back in time twenty years ago had never really participated in it either. He just never called Wally out on his shit and told him to drop it already. This one seemed much more take-charge and no-nonsense. Wally didn't want to challenge him, he didn't want to push him too far and get chewed out in front of everyone again, even if he still wanted to continue the rivalry.

Barry had noticed Wally's change in behavior and appreciated it. Twenty years ago, he had been mildly frustrated every time Wally tried to make it a competition between the two of them rather than a fight against criminals. He felt it detracted from what they were trying to accomplish, but he'd never said anything about it. Barry had been too kind to ever say anything about it. He felt responsible for Wally. It was like every time Wally messed up, Barry was the one actually responsible for it because he didn't teach him well enough. He blamed himself for Wally's mistakes. And he wanted to be close with the younger man. He wanted them to have a good, brotherly relationship, but Wally seemed to care more about fighting with him most of the time.

Now, Barry realized if he took the blame for other's mistakes on top of his own, he would drown in it all like he drowned in the breaking speed force. He couldn't do that. Not if he wanted even a shred of happiness.

Eobard Thawne once told Barry he would never be happy. And Barry tried so hard to prove him wrong. For a while, he thought Thawne was right, but now that he wasn't alone anymore, he thought maybe he could finally show the Reverse Flash that he was wrong, that Barry could be happy.

"So, just curious," H.R. asked. "How do we know it _works?"_

"We're not testing it," Barry said instantly. "We just have to hope it does. Hell, we have to hope we never have to use it."

"Allen's right," Julian said. "Look at the effects of Flashpoint. We don't want to risk that by testing out this machine."

"Don't the Legends travel through time all the time, though?" Caitlin asked.

"Yes, they do," Barry said. "And that is why they are _legendary_ for screwing things up. I'm sorry, that sounds mean, but it's kind of true. Mick's even said to me once that they screw things up even more every time they try to fix their mistakes. The thing is, you can't ever fix a mistake. You can only learn from it. When I created Flashpoint, I made a huge mistake. It's my greatest regret. I'd do anything to take it back. I toyed with the idea of running back and stopping myself from ever creating Flashpoint in the first place, but it's too risky. I can't risk that I might just make things even worse."

"How do things get worse than this?" Caitlin asked.

"The speed force breaks," Barry said. "That's how this can get worse. It's why I never run above Mach Ten. I don't want to go too fast. I'm afraid of what might happen."

Before anyone could reply, an alarm started blaring throughout STAR Labs.

"Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" Gideon's voice sounded.

"What is that?" Cisco asked.

"My new security system," Barry said.

They stared at him.

"What? We had a _horrible_ one before," he said. "People waltzed in here all the time and we never knew it before we were getting attacked! Okay, maybe they didn't _waltz,_ but-"

A flash of yellow lightning zoomed into the room and pinned Barry to the wall by his throat.

A speedster clad in white and yellow grinned at him. "Hello, Flash," he glanced back at the others. "And friends."

 **AN: I know, I left an awful cliff hanger. I'm super evil, but you never know, I might update again today. I've just kept writing this thing. I'm really enjoying it. If any of you are curious, Mick's actually said in an intro to Legends of Tomorrow that as the Legends try to fix their problems, they often just screw things up even more. My idea of a conversation between Mick and Barry about this is that a couple of years ago, the Legends came to this time period and met Barry here and Mick told him this. It probably won't ever be mentioned in this fic, but I might turn it into it's own fic one day. After all, in season one of Legends, I really wanted to see future Barry. We saw future Oliver, but not future Barry even though the comics have and entire Future Flash arc. I felt it was wasted potential.**

 **Please review and let me know what you think!**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	11. Chapter 11

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

Barry stared at the speedster choking him with wide eyes. He knew that face, even under the mask, he knew it.

"August," he choked out, struggling to get air into his lungs as the former doctor crushed his windpipe.

August grinned at him. "I'm not August anymore."

"Wait, that's August? How?" Caitlin asked, horrified.

Joe and Julian both aimed guns at August, only to make the speedster laugh.

"It took me a long time, but I finally figured out how to extract speed from the Flash's DNA," August said, "and put it into myself."

"Why?" Cisco asked. "Why would you want to?"

"Why would I want to? You're kidding me, right?" he snarled. "Look at the world we are living in. I was too afraid to leave my bunker for fear of getting killed by a deranged meta, so I realized, I had to become one. And who should take me up on my offer for supplies in exchange for blood but the Flash himself. I thought I'd found the end of a rainbow. The moment he showed up, desperate for drugs, I knew I had him under my thumb and there was no way he would ever get out."

"August," Barry choked, seeing black dots as the other speedster strangled him.

"Don't call me that! That's not my name anymore!"

"What is your name then?" Barry managed to get out.

"You know, I thought about that for a long time," the other speedster said with a grin. "I thought about calling myself the _new and improved_ _Flash,_ because _you_ clearly weren't cutting it. You're just an addict who couldn't even save this city from Savitar. But then I realized that now that I have these powers, I get to be judge, jury, and executioner of every meta and every human who breaks my _new law._ So, I call myself _Godspeed."_

"Well, _Godspeed,"_ Barry said in a strangled voice, "let's see how fast you actually are."

With that, Barry phased his way out of August's grasp. The two speedsters became a blur of blue and yellow, tangled up in a fight the others couldn't see. Even Wally had trouble perceiving all their fast movements.

Suddenly, Godspeed was flung across the room where he smashed into a wall. To their surprise, August started laughing.

"Well, Flash, it looks like you _are_ faster than me," he chuckled. "But I wonder, will you be faster than all of us?"

"Who's all of us?" H. R. asked. "Do I want to know who 'all of us' is?"

August grinned and suddenly he started running, vanishing into a blue portal through time. He reemerged a few seconds later with company. Three speedsters, one clad in yellow, one clad in black, and one clad in black and red.

The Reverse Flash, Zoom, and the Rival.

"Oh, God," Cisco said. "I can't tell if this is going to be really epic or really bad."

"Meet us in the street, Flash," Godspeed said. "If you're brave enough."

The four speedsters zipped out of STAR Labs.

"Bar, don't do this," Joe said.

"I have to," he said, pulling up his cowl.

Wally zipped into his suit, making to go with him.

"No, Wally, stay here," Barry said. "The less speedsters running at the same time the better. Five of us all at once is already too big of a risk. There can't be six of us."

"Barry, you could die," fear clouded Iris's voice, desperation in her eyes.

Barry shook his head. "I'll be fine, Iris. I'll be more than fine. I'm going to _enjoy_ this."

He leaned down and kissed her once before speeding out of the room.

"We're not just going to stand here, are we?" H.R. asked.

"No way," Cisco said, opening a breach they all ran through.

When they reached the street, the battle had already started. Streaks of yellow, red, and blue zoomed all throughout the dark street.

Blue clashed with red, it clashed with yellow, it clashed with more blue. Lightning was thrown and Godspeed was blasted backward, tumbling over and over again across the hard pavement.

Zoom and Reverse Flash lunged at the Flash. Flash dodged Reverse Flash's hit and struck Zoom… kicking him right in the spine.

Zoom was down.

The Rival sped forward, striking the Future Flash from behind as he fought the Reverse Flash. Barry crashed to the ground, skidding across it like Godspeed had, only to spring up and zoom back toward the fight like he hadn't even felt that. And perhaps, considering the amount of pain he was in, he hadn't.

Godspeed was back up. He ran toward Barry at the same time as Thawne and Rival.

Barry's lips twitched upward in anticipation. The three speedsters came at him all at once. He dodged Reverse Flash's hit and it hit Godspeed instead. Then he lunged at Rival, punching him repeatedly in the stomach before knocking the speedster back a good eight feet with a super-speed hit.

The Rival was out cold.

Godspeed got up and attacked the Flash with a shrill battle cry. Barry didn't even bother moving before the slower speedster's fist was an inch away from him. Then, he darted out of the way and August tumbled to the ground, crashing face first into the pavement.

Godspeed didn't get up again.

The Flash and the Reverse Flash started at each other, daring the other to make the first move.

Reverse Flash turned around and ran away from the Flash, but he wasn't fleeing. No, he was running toward Iris.

The Flash chased him, reaching him just as the Reverse Flash was a foot away from Iris, his vibrating hand ready to plunge into her chest.

It never reached its destination. Barry grabbed Thawne around the neck, jerking him back with a sickening snap. He fell to the ground when Barry released him.

The Reverse Flash was dead.

Barry gripped Iris's shoulders immediately. "Iris, are you okay?"

She nodded rapidly.

"Dude, you… killed him," Cisco said as they all stared down at the Reverse Flash in shock.

"He was going to kill Iris," Barry said venomously. "No one even _tries_ to do that and gets away with it."

They came out of their numb stupor after staring at the Reverse Flash for another moment. They knew it was probably unintentional when Barry broke Thawne's neck, and the man already technically didn't exist, but they were still shocked to see Barry kill someone, even if this was a version of Barry that had obviously had to do things he didn't want to. They couldn't blame him, though. If it was the Reverse Flash or Iris, they would let Barry kill Thawne in a heartbeat.

Before anyone could say anything else, Barry suddenly doubled over with a harsh gasp.

"Barry?!" Iris shrieked in worried shock.

Joe held the speedster up before he could fall.

"He needs morphine," he said worriedly.

"No," Barry said, and then he coughed, a strangled, wet sound and blood came out of his mouth. Pain flared in his eyes at an alarming rate.

"Barry, what's going on? Did one of them hurt you?" Caitlin immediately started looking him over, checking for signs of internal bleeding.

"No… the speed force," Barry said. "We moved too fast."

"Barry…"

"It shattered," he whispered, collapsing into Joe's arms, blood still leaking out of his mouth, his eyes, and his nose.

They felt the temperature of the Earth begin to cool.

* * *

 **AN: I know, I know, I'm really mean to leave it there. But I couldn't resist, plus, I've been super nice considering how many times I have updated this weekend. And I plan to update again really soon, maybe even again some time today, though like always, no promises. I hope my fight scene was alright. I actually hate writing fight scenes; I never feel like I get them right. It was really satisfying making Barry break Zoom's back and kill Thawne. If I remember correctly, Barry actually does kill Thawne in comics by breaking his neck after he went after Iris, which I don't blame Barry for. That man already killed his mother and got his father thrown in jail, so if he were to ever go after Iris, I can see Barry killing him, even if it is on accident, because Barry didn't _mean_ to kill Thawne, but he certainly doesn't regret doing it. I also would like to say that I don't know a lot about heat death and what it would be like, but I looked it up and apparently it causes the universe to cool down, which makes sense considering it's supposed to happen when everything stops moving. There would be no thermodynamic free energy after that. Heat death is also apparently supposed to happen slowly if the theory is correct, but here it is happening much quicker, because the speed force just shattered.**

 **Please review and let me know what you think :)**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Thank you for all your reviews. They really mean a lot.**

 **FemaleMusketeer: Thanks for the info on that one comic where Barry accidentally kills Thawne. I wasn't sure what happened there, since I haven't actually managed to get my hands on a copy and read it. I only know it happened from reading the Flash's bio and I'm very grateful that you took the time to tell me what actually happened in the comic and what circumstances lead Barry to kill the Reverse Flash :).**

 **Guest: I honestly have no idea how many chapters I am planning for this story. It's going to be quite a few more, and I have several of them planned out already, but I don't have an exact number.**

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

The team hurried down to the particle accelerator explosion where they were keeping the time machine. Joe had Barry slung up over his shoulder, the blue-clad speedster unconscious in his grasp.

"Everyone get in," Joe said, gesturing to the time machine.

He set Barry down on the ground and started tapping his cheek hard, not enough to hurt, but enough to hopefully rouse him.

"Come on, Bar, wake up," he said, shivering from the cold. Joe could see his breath coming out in white puffs, like smoke.

Barry's eyes fluttered and he was met with pain-filled green eyes wrapped in blue lightning.

"That's it, Bar," Joe said. "Can you sit up?"

Barry coughed, a harsh, wet sound, and blood trickled out of his mouth. Yet he still struggled to a sitting position. Joe helped him get there.

"Barry, we need to go back in time," Joe said.

Barry tried to focus his eyes on Joe. "Can't."

"Yes, you can, Bar," Joe said, gently massaging his shoulder. "You can do it. No one is going to blame you for changing the timeline."

"I don't think I _can,_ though," he said, and then fell into another fit of coughing.

"You have to try, son," Joe said. "The speed force broke. We have to go back."

Still looking like he was in a great deal of pain, Barry nodded. He forced himself to his feet, shaking the whole time. "Get in the time machine."

Joe nodded and hurried into the time machine.

"Are you sure I shouldn't do this?" Wally asked. "I mean, Barry looks like he's dying."

"That's because he _is_ dying," Cisco said. "We all are. And yes, Wally, we are sure you shouldn't do this. You've never time traveled before. Barry has. He'll be able to get us there faster."

"If he can even do it," Wally said. "Look at him. He looks like-"

They all lurched forward suddenly, pulled through Barry's slipstream as he ran forward at top speed. He dragged them into the time stream, a blur of blue light surrounding them all along with images of the past and potential futures surrounding them.

Barry ran until he saw a time in Central City twenty years ago, and then he stopped, finally allowing himself to collapse to the ground and rest.

As his eyes fluttered shut, he realized something.

The pain was gone.

* * *

Barry was dreaming of the ocean. Soft gentle waves lapping against a beach. And it was warm, the sun beating down on him to contrast with the icy water.

"Barry." A voice called his name. "Barry wake up."

Barry didn't want to, but he felt something shaking him, rousing him, and eventually, his eyes fluttered open.

"J-Joe?"

"Hey, hey, easy," Joe said as Barry started sitting up. "Are you okay?"

Barry nodded. "I feel _great."_

"You… you're not in pain anymore?" Iris asked.

He shook his head. "No," he smiled. "No, it's gone."

They started smiling back.

He clambered to his feet. "I went back twenty years. Gideon, how long has it been since the time-traveling, teleporting metahuman told me he sent my friends and family to the bottom of the ocean?"

"It has been exactly one week since that event occurred," she replied.

"Oh, my God," Iris said. "Barry- or _past,_ present? Barry must be freaking out. We have to assure him we're alright."

"You'll be changing the timeline," Barry said. "I didn't know you guys were alive until you showed up in the future."

"We'll be changing it for the better," Cisco said.

"I thought I was doing that too when I created Flashpoint."

"What are we supposed to do? Never see him-or _you-_ again?" Iris asked. "We can never go back to the future, not with how it is. We have to stay here and we're going to go tell him we're alright."

Barry sighed. "You have a point. But I need to make sure that all of us have a future. We've already gone back in time; I'm going to go fix the speed force. No matter what it takes."

Joe nodded. "You do that, Bar. We'll see you at STAR Labs latter?"

Barry nodded and sped off, a streak of blue lightning in his wake.

The others made their way to STAR Labs.

* * *

Present Barry was alone in STAR Labs when suddenly, the elevator doors opened and he thought his eyes were deceiving him. It was impossible; they were dead. Yet here they were, alive and safe, walking into the cortex.

"Barry," Iris smiled at him. She ran to him and he engulfed her in his arms, kissing her.

"You're alive," he said when they broke apart. He looked around at all of them. "You're all alive."

"Yeah, Barry, we're alive," Cisco said.

Barry's eyes welled with tears of happiness. "Come here," he said and grabbed onto as many of them as he could, engulfing them in a giant hug.

"I love you guys," Barry murmured.

They released each other after a few moments.

"How are you alive?" Barry asked. "He told me he killed you."

"That's a long story," Joe said before preceding to explain about the events that had transpired since they last saw him.

* * *

Future Barry stood inside his old home, the one he used to live in with his parents. This is where Eobard Thawne killed his mother, where Hunter Zoloman killed his father. This is where the first aberration occurred when the Reverse Flash ran back in time to murder him and killed his mom instead.

This is where the tear was located.

Barry reached out a hand slowly and touched the tear. It appeared, much like how a portal to another Earth would appear. His eyes widened in shocked horror as he saw how large it was. He thought it would be smaller, but he was wrong. Traveling back in time must have made it even bigger.

There was no way for him to fix it. It was impossible. He didn't have the energy.

There was only one thing he could do. Only one way to close it: he had to sacrifice his younger self.

* * *

 **AN: Please review and let me know what you all think.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	13. Chapter 13

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

Barry really didn't want to do this. He wasn't suicidal, and he didn't want to hurt his family this way, but it was necessary. He needed to do this. His life wasn't worth the world.

He considered using a time remnant, but it wouldn't work. He'd thrown time remnants into the speed force tear and the act of creating them always just made the tear worse that any energy he used from them to close it would simply heal the part of the tear making them had caused.

He needed strong speedster energy, energy like his own. He needed to throw his younger self into the speed force. He could use himself, but then who would close it from the outside?

Barry sped into STAR Labs as a streak of blue lightning, stopping in the cortex when he saw his family talking with his younger self, who stared at him with wide eyes.

Barry stared back at him with an expression none of them could read. Guilt was filling his veins, but so was desperation. He needed to do this now.

"Barry, meet Barry," Cisco said with a grin.

"So, did you fix the speed force, Allen?" Julian asked.

Future Barry shook his head. "No. It's still too big. It'll always be too big. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Bar," Joe said.

"That's not what I'm apologizing for," he said, and then without warning, zoomed forward, grabbed Present Barry and sped out of there.

"What just happened?" H.R. asked in shock.

"Barry took Barry," Caitlin said.

"Why would he do that?" Iris asked, her dark eyes wide.

"I don't know," Cisco said. "But we can find out."

He pulled up the tracker on Present Barry's suit. "He's in his old house. His childhood home where his parents died."

"Why would he go there?" Iris asked.

"Because that's where the tear of the speed force started when Thawne ran back the first time," Cisco realized. "Barry took his younger self to the tear."

"Why? Do you think he's going to have him help him close it?" Iris asked.

"No," Joe shook his head. "Not with that look on his face. For a moment, I couldn't read his expression, but then I saw it clearly. It was guilt. There's a reason he just took him rather than asked him for help, there's a reason he took himself rather than Wally. Barry's going to sacrifice himself."

"We have to stop him," Caitlin said.

Cisco opened a breach. "Come on."

* * *

Future Barry skidded to a halt and released Present Barry.

"Why did you bring me here?" Present Barry asked.

"I'm sorry," he replied. "I don't want to do this."

"Do what?"

"They explained it to you, didn't they?" Future Barry asked. "About the speed force?"

The red Flash nodded. "They did. How do we close it? That's why you brought me here, isn't it?"

The blue Flash drew in a deep breath. "We can't. It won't close, Barry. It's too big."

"Then why did you bring me here?" he asked.

"Because… there is a way to fix it," Future Barry said. "But involves… killing us."

"Killing us?" Present Barry's eyes widened and a flash of fear went through their green depths.

"Death isn't that bad," Future Barry assured him. And it wasn't. They'd died before; what was dying one more time? "I don't want to die, and I'm sure neither do you, but it's us or the universe. If I throw you into it and use your energy as you die to close the speed force, the tear will fix. And without us here generating it on Earth, no other speedster will have speed. The tear will never reopen. I know, the city will be unprotected, but wouldn't you rather there be Central City without the Flash than Central City in heat death?"

Slowly, Present Barry nodded.

"Then you'll do this with me?"

He nodded again.

"Barry, don't do it!" Iris screamed as she and the others appeared through the breach Cisco opened.

"Iris?" Present Barry stared at her.

"Iris, I'm sorry," Future Barry said. "But this is the way it has to be."

"This is _not_ the way it has to be, Barry," Joe said. "There is another way, son."

"No there isn't," he shook his head. "I've tried everything. This is the only thing that will work. It's our life, versus all of your lives. What do you think we are going to choose?"

Joe looked at Present Barry. "Please, Bar. We love you. Stay with us."

Present Barry's eyes welled with tears. "I love you guys too. But he's right. We're not worth the world."

"Barry-"

Present Barry ran toward the speed force, disappearing into the tear.

"No!" Iris's scream was blood curdling.

The Future Flash gathered his lightning and threw it at the tear, the energy connecting with the opening and sealing it.

He expected to die that moment. The second the tear faded, he thought he would fade out of existence with it, only he didn't.

Joe trained his gun on him. "Put your hands up."

"You're arresting me for killing myself?" Barry asked numbly.

"I'm not arresting you," he replied. "Just put them up."

Barry did as he was told. "I can outrun them, you know."

"I don't want to shoot you. That's the _last_ thing I want, Bar, but you're coming with us, _now,"_ his foster dad said.

Barry let Joe grab onto him and cuff his hands behind his back with special cuffs designed to suppress his powers. He felt the speed force in his system suppress itself the second the power-dampening cuffs clicked into place.

He kept staring at the spot where the tear vanished, where his younger self leapt into the speed force, until Joe pulled him away.

Cisco opened another breach and they went through it.

* * *

Barry wondered if he was a time remnant like Thawne now, if he only existed to preserve the timeline. Or if perhaps his younger self had somehow survived leaping into the speed force. He didn't know, he didn't care. He was alive, and now that that was becoming clear to him, he wasn't sure how he felt about it. Part of him was relieved. He really didn't want to die. But another part was full of anguish and almost wished he _had_ died. If he had died, he wouldn't be seeing the looks his friends and family were giving him. The ones of horror and sadness. He kept searching their faces for signs of loathing. Surely they must hate him for killing their younger, undamaged Barry? He didn't see loathing though. If it was there, they were good at hiding it.

Joe guided Barry down to the pipeline and Barry let him without resistance. Joe wasn't rough about taking him down there, but he was firm enough to tell Barry to not even try to run. Even powerless, the Flash was fast and he knew Joe wouldn't shoot him. Or at least, he knew it now. When Joe had trained his gun on him earlier, he thought he might, and he would have let him.

Joe would never shoot Barry, though. He loved Barry, regardless of how old he was, or what version he was: future or present or past. He would always love his son no matter what he did, even if what he did was cast his younger self into the speed force thinking he would die from it. And that was why Joe was locking Barry up in here. He wasn't sure if he could trust him. He had shown himself capable of killing when he killed Thawne and he had just exhibited very fatalistic behavior. He was willing to die for the rest of the world. Joe didn't think Barry was suicidal, but there might be a part of him that felt guilty enough about what he just did that he might do something reckless. Joe couldn't risk that.

There was also a part of Joe that was angry with Barry too. He just tried to _kill_ himself. He lost his younger self to the speed force, even if he had saved the world. Didn't Barry know how important he was to all of them? They'd take him over the world any day. For all Joe knew, Barry was no more than a time remnant and he didn't know what the consequences of that were. He couldn't lose Barry.

When Joe trained the gun on him, he knew he would never pull the trigger, even if Barry could run out of the way. It was simply and instinctual reaction. Joe was a cop and at the moment Barry was a threat, at least to himself. His muscles moved before his brain even registered them.

Finally reaching a pipeline cell, Joe guided Barry in there and pushed him down to a sitting position where he cuffed his feet together too to insure Barry couldn't try to run out while Joe was exiting the cell.

"I'll be back soon," Joe said as he left the cell, closing it down so his son was trapped inside.

He made his way back up to the cortex where the others were waiting.


	14. Chapter 14

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

The team was standing in the cortex discussing the events that just transpired.

"Barry isn't dead," Cisco said. "That means he must still be alive in the speed force somewhere. I've been trying to vibe him, but I haven't been able to get anything."

"Unless Barry is a time remnant," Caitlin said. "He might not exist anymore and is only here to preserve the timeline."

"But what if he isn't? Shouldn't we try to get Barry back?" Iris asked.

"But we have Barry," Joe said. "Sure, he's twenty years older, but he's still with us locked up down in the pipeline. I'm not saying we should stop looking for Present Barry, but that doesn't mean we should just ignore or hate the Barry we currently have. He's _Barry._ It doesn't matter what time period he's from."

"Joe's right," Julian said. "I never thought I'd say this, but Allen's my friend. Hell, he's probably the first real friend I've ever had. We should keep trying to find him, of course, but that doesn't mean the one we have has any less value."

"Guys, he _killed_ Present Barry," Wally said. "Are we really going to trust him?"

"I don't trust him right now," Joe confessed. "But that doesn't mean I don't love him. And he really didn't kill Present Barry, and even if he did, that's not murder. It's… _suicide._ Present Barry ran into the speed force of his own free will. Future Barry didn't make him. They did this together."

"Of course they did," Caitlin said. "That's just like Barry. He'd sacrifice himself for us, for this world, in a heartbeat. If it was the only way, he would die for anyone, even someone he doesn't know."

None of them could deny it.

"But he is a murderer," Wally protested. "He killed the Reverse Flash."

"Yeah, he killed the guy who technically didn't even exist and murdered his mom, stalked him for fifteen years, pretended to be his friend, killed me in an alternate timeline, and was about to kill the love of his life," Cisco said. "I can't really fault him for that."

"Cisco's right," Caitlin said. "We'll have to reinforce the whole no killing concept with him, make sure he understands that he can't kill his enemies, but I can't really fault him for it either. Besides, now's not a time to be neglecting him."

"What do you mean, Caitlin?" H.R. asked.

"The morphine," she said. "Now that the speed force is fixed, he doesn't have to take it anymore. He's not in pain anymore. That means, he can get off it. And when he gets off it, he's going to start going through withdrawal. It's going to be brutal."

"What are the side effects again, Caitlin?" Iris asked.

"Fever, watery eyes, runny nose, vomiting, nausea, chills, sweating, headaches, muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, increased blood pressure, agitation, anxiety, irritation, depression, disorientation, and insomnia," Caitlin listed. "He probably won't experience all of them, but he'll experience quite a few."

"Do you think he'll start experiencing them now?" Cisco asked.

She nodded. "It has been about six hours since he last had a dose of morphine. The withdrawal is going to start setting in anytime now."

Cisco nodded. "I'll go check on him. I can't get a vibe on Present Barry anyway."

The young engineer made his way out of the cortex and down to the pipeline. He reached Barry's cell and opened it so he could see him through the glass. The blue-clade speedster was sitting up against a wall, his hands still cuffed behind his back and his feet cuffed together, both sets dampening his speed. He was shaking and breathing rapidly.

Barry looked up when he heard the metal hiding the cell from view open. "Cisco?"

"Hey, Barry," Cisco said.

"You're mad at me too," he said. It wasn't a question. "I'm sorry." His eyes were wet. Cisco weren't sure if they were tears or the watery eye symptom or both. Either way, the emotional response could be a symptom of the depression Caitlin said he might experience.

"I'm not mad at you," Cisco said, opening the door to the cell and heading in. "I'm worried about you right now."

"You are?"

He nodded. "Both you and your past self. I can't get a vibe on him. We're starting to wonder if you're a time remnant."

"We'll know the answer to that eventually," Barry said.

"What do you mean?" Cisco asked.

"The Black Flash will come after me," he replied.

"The what?"

"Zoom," the speedster replied. "He turned into some kind of speedster Grim Reaper after I sicced the time wraiths on him. He kills speedsters by touching us. He went after Thawne."

"Oh," Cisco said, fear flashing in his eyes as he thought about some monster killing his friend. He'd been so scared when Present Barry leaped into the speed force and Future Barry closed the tear. He thought he was going to lose his best friend. He was so thankful he had been wrong, but now he was afraid of some monster coming and taking his friend away.

The color drained from Barry's face suddenly. "Cisco, I feel sick."

Cisco rubbed his shoulder gently. "Cait said that would be symptom of the withdrawal."

"The withdrawal… I never thought I'd get the chance to go through withdrawal," Barry murmured.

"How sick do you feel?" Cisco asked him. "Are you going to throw up?"

The speedster shook his head. "I don't think so."

"I'll probably get you a bucket just to be safe," he said.

"Don't go," Barry said. "Please?"

"Of course not," Cisco said, continuing to rub his friend's shoulder. "Friends don't abandon each other."

* * *

The withdrawal continued for the next few days. They made sure to never leave Barry alone down there. They didn't want to risk him needing help in some way and no one being down there to give it to him.

Iris was currently sitting with him, holding him close as he shook from chills. He had a fever, but even with the cuffs they weren't able to give him much to help bring it down thanks to his metabolism.

Iris wasn't sure how she felt right now. She loved Barry no matter what time period he was from, but at the same time, she didn't know how to react to him convincing his younger self to jump into the speed force, to die.

Of course, it obviously hadn't taken much convincing. The moment Barry found out it was his life versus the world, he made his choice. Still, the whole situation was rather unsettling.

Joe came down to the pipeline and made his way into the cell with the two of them.

"How is he?" he asked.

"Feverish," she said. "I wish we had more to bring it down. He's getting delusional."

"Hallucinations?" he asked, worried.

"I don't _think_ so," Iris said. "But he definitely had a few nasty nightmares. Kept calling out for his mom, his dad… for _us._ I can't believe he lived for twenty years alone. We still don't know everything that happened to him during that period of time. We still don't know everything he went through.

"And I want to be mad at him, Dad," she said. "I want to be mad at him for _killing_ himself, but I can't do it. Not when I have him here to hold in my arms."

"I know how you feel, Iris," Joe said. "Why don't you go get some rest? You've been sitting down here with him for hours. I can watch him for a while."

Iris nodded and shifted out of Barry's grasp. The speedster let out a whine of protest, but her spot was quickly filled by Joe for Barry to latch onto instead.

Iris smiled sadly at him before exiting the pipeline.

Joe ran a gentle hand through his son's hair. "It's okay, son. Caitlin says this is almost over. Just a couple more days."

Barry whimpered and Joe hushed him, holding his son while he rode this out.

Joe forgave Barry for what he did. If he was in his place, he probably would have done the same thing. All that mattered was he at least had some version of his son here, even if he would do anything to get the other back out of the speed force where he was lost.


	15. Chapter 15

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

Eventually the withdrawal symptoms faded from Barry, though he still got cravings for morphine. Still, cravings were better than intense pain.

Joe had to explain the situation to Singh. Apparently, Barry had told the captain about them dying and Singh had comforted the CSI as he'd sobbed in his arms. Singh was shocked when Joe walked through the doors of the precinct.

"Joe," David's eyes were wide. "Barry said you were dead."

Joe nodded. "And he had every reason to think that. Can we talk in private, David?"

Singh nodded and he and Joe headed back into his office. "What's going on, Joe?"

"A meta with the ability to travel through time and space teleported my family, Barry's friends, and me to the future. He told Barry he teleported us to the bottom of the ocean, but he lied," Joe said. "The Flash brought us back."

"How far into the future did you go?" Singh asked after processing what Joe said for a few moments. The concept of time travel wasn't exactly one he wanted to wrap his head around. And, apparently if the Flash brought them back, it meant he was fast enough to travel through time.

"Twenty years," Joe said.

"Good God," Singh murmured. "Barry must be ecstatic you're back."

"Yeah, he… he was," he replied.

"What do you mean?" the captain asked warily. Had something happened to the CSI?

"There's something you need to know, Captain," Joe said, "and you have to promise me it will stay between us."

Singh nodded.

Joe took a deep breath and explained everything.

"So, you're telling me, Barry is the Flash," Singh said. "And his future self chucked him through a portal to the speed force, which happens to be the source of his powers, to fix it because it was breaking and sent the universe into heat death?"

Joe nodded. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

"And Barry is somehow still alive and just went through morphine withdrawal because he was taking morphine to dull the extreme pain he was in because apparently he is walking speed force?"

Joe nodded again. "That about sums it up."

Singh ran a hand over his face, processing all of this. "How is he?"

"He's doing alright," he replied. "The symptoms have faded. No monsters from the speed force trying to get rid of time remnants have come to take him away."

"And you? How are you doing?"

"Honestly, David," Joe said, "I don't really know. I'm worried sick about the Barry lost in speed force, yet I am so glad to have this one here with me. He was alone for twenty years. I left him alone for that long, even if I didn't mean to. I can't be mad at him."

The captain nodded, understand where Joe was coming from. "Do you think he'll be coming back to work? I mean, if he hasn't been to work in twenty years…"

"I haven't asked," Joe replied. "I'm sure he will. And trust me, David, the kid isn't rusty. He invented an AI that can see through the timeline during those twenty years just because he was lonely and wanted someone to talk to."

Singh's eyes widened. "That's both incredible and sad."

"I know," Joe said. "Kind of weirds me out whenever I go down to the pipeline to check on him and I hear him having a conversation with her like she's an actual person."

"When are you going to let him out of the pipeline?" Singh asked.

Joe hesitated, not sure of the answer, but ultimately decided on, "Soon."


	16. Chapter 16

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

A couple more weeks went by and things started returning to normal. Joe and Iris both went back to work, as did Julian, Caitlin Cisco, and H.R., Wally went back to school, and they were all starting to get used to being back in this time period. The only difference was, Present Barry was still gone and Cisco was still unable to vibe him, and Future Barry was still locked up in the pipeline. They didn't handcuff him anymore; they stopped doing that when he was going through morphine withdrawal, but they rarely let him out of the pipeline. They did on occasion, but only when he was being supervised and they always suppressed his powers. They weren't sure why they were being so paranoid; it was obvious Barry wasn't going to hurt himself or anyone else, but they just hadn't all gotten together and had a talk about letting him out yet. It didn't help that Barry didn't ask when or if they were going to let him out. He didn't even mention it. It was as if he felt he deserved to be locked up in there forever for causing them pain via sacrificing his younger self.

Eventually, Iris and Joe couldn't take it anymore. They wanted to bring Barry home. They couldn't keep him locked up forever.

"I don't see why you can't take him home," Caitlin said. "It's not like he doesn't cooperate with us. He doesn't try to run away, he lets us put the collar on him, he lets put him back in the pipeline at night… I think he's trustworthy. I don't think he's going to hurt himself either. The only thing I'm worried about is after seeing him break Zoom's back and kill Thawne that if we let him be the Flash again, he might severely injure one of his enemies, maybe even kill them, even if it's just an accident."

"So, we keep his powers suppressed for now," Joe said. "We can let him go back to being the Flash once we're sure he's not a danger to any of the criminals he fights."

"I don't see what's wrong with that idea," Cisco said.

"Okay," Iris said with a smile on her face. "Let's go tell Barry we're bringing him home."

Iris and Joe discussed it and decided they would take him to Joe's house. Barry and Iris still had their flat, of course, and paying for it wasn't difficult considering the fake Wells had left Barry STAR Labs and all of its assets when he died, but it would be easier to watch Barry if there were multiple people around. Again, they wanted to believe they could trust him, but this was the first time they were letting him out of STAR Labs and wanted to make sure he really was as cooperative as he seemed while he was there.

Still, despite their reservations, the two of them were very excited. It almost made them feel guilty considering somewhere out there was a version of Barry who was lost and going through who knows what, unable to go home, but that didn't mean they didn't love this Barry and want to take him home.

Barry was surprised to see the two of them when they came down to the pipeline. Normally they didn't come by until later.

Joe opened the door to the cell. "Come on out, Bar."

Hesitantly, like he thought it was a trick or some test, Barry stepped out of the cell. Joe handed Barry a metahuman suppressing collar and Barry put it on without complaint or hesitation.

"Come on," Joe said. "We're going home."

Barry's eyes lit up. "We are?"

"Yeah," Iris smiled. "We are."

It had been a long time since Barry had been home. A sense of nostalgia came over him and he couldn't help the large grin that spread across his face.

"It's exactly how I remember it," he whispered.

"Did you never come here in the future?" Iris asked.

Barry shook his head. "I didn't go to our flat either. I didn't want to see the devastation caused to them."

Joe clapped a hand on his shoulder. "No devastation here. Come on, let's have dinner. It's about time you ate something other than protein bars."

"There's nothing wrong with my protein bars," Barry said. "They have all the nutrients I need."

"Yeah, but they don't taste that good," Iris said.

"How would you know that?" he asked with a chuckle. "You've never had one. At least, I hope you've never had one, because that's more calories than the average person needs a day."

"It's the face you used to always make when you were eating them," she said.

"Okay, I'll admit, they're an acquired taste, but lots of protein bars are like that," he said. "Don't tell me you like every kind you've ever tried."

"True," she nodded.

"They grow on you," he said.

"Well, lasagna doesn't have to," Joe said, heading toward the kitchen.

"Someone say lasagna?" Wally asked, coming downstairs.

"Yep," Joe said.

Wally stopped when he saw Barry. "Barry," he said. "You… you're back."

"Iris and Joe decided they didn't want to see me in a cage anymore," Barry said with a small smile.

"You guys trust him?" Wally stared at his father and sister.

"Obviously not completely since I still have this around my neck," Barry gestured to the collar.

"We're getting there," Iris said. "We just…"

"Just what?"

"We can't let you be the Flash for a while, Bar," Joe said. "We're afraid you might accidentally kill one of your enemies like you did to the Reverse Flash, or that you might severely injure one like you did to Zoom."

"I… I understand," Barry said.

"It's just temporary, Bar," Iris assured him.

Barry nodded. "I get it. I snapped a man's neck in front of you, even if he was a monster. You guys can keep me in this collar as long as you need to."

Those words almost made Joe want to take the collar off him right now, but he resisted the urge. He wanted to be absolutely sure before he did anything.

"Come on," Joe said. "Let's eat."

* * *

That evening, after everyone had gone to bed, Wally went for a run. He couldn't believe Joe and Iris were so willing to trust Barry after everything he'd done. He killed the Reverse Flash, he paralyzed Zoom, he _killed_ his younger self, yet they still let him out of the pipeline, collar or no collar. Wally didn't understand it. He thought they'd keep Barry locked up longer. How were they supposed to trust him after that?

Wally paused to catch his breath after running another lap. He needed to work harder on his endurance. Seeing Barry running on a treadmill for hours straight in the future made Wally want to push himself until he could do it too, but right now, he couldn't.

He caught his breath and stood up straight, about to continue running, when he saw a speedster in metallic armor staring at him.

Wally's eyes widened as Savitar ran at him.

* * *

 **AN: Well, I hope everyone has been enjoying this story. I've been writing it like crazy today; it just keeps on coming. I've gotten really into it. I want to reach a certain point in the story before the Flash comes on tomorrow, so you can expect more updates.**

 **Please review and let me know what you think. I really hope I'm portraying this in a realistic way. It's kind of hard to write them not trusting Barry, yet at the same time loving him, but still also wanting to find Present Barry who is lost in the speed force. There's just a lot of emotions these characters are feeling and I don't know if I'm getting them all across well enough.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	17. Chapter 17

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

About a week passed and they were starting to trust Barry even more. They still hadn't take the collar off, which meant Barry couldn't go back to work considering he had no way to explain why he was wearing a meta-human power suppressing collar to his colleagues. Besides, Barry didn't really know how to go back to work. He'd been alone for twenty years; how was he supposed to be comfortable in a working environment when he got claustrophobic just walking down a crowded street?

Barry really missed his speed when he had to walk all the way to STAR Labs. Joe and Iris were both at work and Wally was at school, and he had to talk to Caitlin. They probably wouldn't be happy about him leaving without telling them, but this was important and it had to stay between him and Caitlin.

Barry entered the cortex and the young doctor's eyes widened with surprise.

"Barry. What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Well, I do own the building," Barry said in a light, teasing tone, grinning at her. The lighter he could make this situation, the better.

Caitlin laughed, smiling back at him. "Fair point. Do Joe and Iris know you're here?"

"No," he said. "I didn't tell them. I know, that's not going to help me win their trust back completely, but I'm a grown man and I can go for a walk to STAR Labs if I want to. Besides, I needed to talk to you."

"About what?" she asked.

"About the fact that I'm not the only one here who's not trustworthy," he said.

Caitlin stiffened. "What do you mean, Barry?"

"I know you kept a piece of the stone, Caitlin," he replied. "And I understand why you did it, really, I do. You're afraid of your powers. You want to get rid of them, but the stone doesn't work that way."

"Barry, I…"

"It's okay," he said. "I'm not mad at you. As a matter of fact, even though it wasn't your intention, you keeping a piece of the stone kind of saved us."

"What do you mean, Barry?" she asked.

"Savitar needs the stone to get out of the speed force," Barry said. "When I discovered that you'd kept a piece of it, I threw it into the speed force and unintentionally released him. I didn't realize what it would do. But this time, I know exactly what it will do. We need to keep the stone here."

Caitlin nodded. "I'll show you where I've hidden it."

* * *

Wally couldn't get Savitar out of his head. The armored speedster kept taunting him. He told him he was weak, that he was too slow, that he would never be good enough.

"Get out of my head!" Wally yelled.

"Why would I do that?" Savitar cackled. "You're so much fun to play with, Wallace."

"Please," Wally said.

"It's okay, Wally," a familiar voice said to him.

Wally glanced over and saw his mother.

"Mom?"

"I've missed you so much," she said.

"I missed you too," Wally said, tears in his eyes.

"I'm so proud of you," she said.

"That's all I want," he said, "for you to be proud of me."

"Wally?" Iris walked into the room and saw Wally talking to nothing. "Wally, are you okay?"

"You need to stop, Wally," his mother said. "It's too dangerous. You're not fast enough."

"But, no one trusts Barry right now," Wally said, "and rightly so. We're suppressing his speed. Now that we're back in the present, Savitar's prophecy can come true. He can't save Iris right now. I have to."

"Wally, you're scaring me," Iris said. "Who are you talking to?"

Realization came over Wally's face at his sister's words. "It's just you, isn't it? You're still in my head."

"Who's in your head, Wally?" Iris asked worriedly.

Wally watched his mother transform into Savitar. "You're more clever than I thought. But then again, I suppose you're gullible too considering you bought that for even a moment, Wallace."

"Get out of my head, Savitar!"

Iris gasped. "Savitar's in your head?" she went to her brother, gripping his arm. "Wally, look at me."

But Wally wouldn't look at her. He just kept looking at Savitar.

"Why would I do that when it's so much fun taunting you?" Savitar asked. "You're slow, Wallace. So slow. You'll never be fast enough to save your sister. You're not even fast enough to throw the last piece of the stone in the speed force."

Wally stilled. "What?"

"Oh, you didn't know? Caitlin selfishly kept a piece of the stone," Savitar said. "And by doing that, she gave me exactly what I need to escape my Hell."

Wally glared viciously at Savitar. "Then I'll take it from you!"

He sped out of the room at super speed.

Shocked, Iris pulled out her phone and called her father.

* * *

Caitlin took Barry to the place where she hid the stone, only to find it gone. "I don't understand. It was right here. Is it possible your past self already threw it into the speed force?"

Barry shook his head. "No. I'd found it by the time we got back, but I hadn't thrown it in. I was still deciding what to do with it, and then I worked on building speed so I would be able to throw it in. Opening a portal to the speed force isn't the easiest thing in the world."

"Then where is it?" she asked.

"Where is what?" Cisco asked, coming into the room with Julian and H.R.

Barry and Caitlin looked at each other. He gave her a reassuring nod, letting her know she'd have someone to stand by her, and then she took a deep breath and explained.

"You kept a piece of the stone?" Julian was appalled.

"I'm sorry," she said, tears in her eyes.

"Look, it doesn't matter now," Barry said. "What matters is finding it. It was actually a good thing Cait kept part of the stone; that's what's keeping Savitar in the speed force."

Just then, Iris and Joe hurried in. They stopped when they saw Barry.

"Barry?" Iris asked. "What are you doing here? I thought you were home."

"I was," he said. "I had to see Caitlin."

They explained about the stone and how throwing it into the speed force would release Savitar to them.

"It's just gone?" Joe asked.

"I think I know where it is," Iris said. "Wally took it."

"Why would he do that?" Cisco asked.

"He started having visions of Savitar," she said. "I don't know how long they've been going on, but he was taunting him. The last thing he said before speeding out of there was 'then I'll take it from you'. What if he meant the stone? What if Savitar told him a piece of the stone being on Earth will allow him out of his Hell, when really throwing it into the speed force is going to do that?"

"Where's Wally's tracker lead?" Barry asked.

Cisco checked the tracker and told Barry the location. "He's out in the middle of nowhere. Lots of space to run and make a portal."

"You guys have to take this off," Barry said, gesturing to the collar. "I have to stop him."

They didn't hesitate. Joe moved toward Barry and punched in the combination to remove the collar. It clicked off and Barry was gone in a blue blur.

But he was too late.

Barry reached Wally's location only to see him being sucked into the speed force, his suit tearing off.

Desperate, Wally yelled, "Help me, Barry!"

Barry was shocked, and for a moment he just stood there in utter horror, but then he lunged forward and grabbed Wally's arm, trying to pull him back out.

He failed and Kid Flash was sucked into the speed force.

A moment later, Savitar emerged. The god of speed fell to his knees.

"I'm free!" he yelled.

He drew in a deep breath. "Ground. Air. I can breathe again." Savitar stood up. "I've beaten you, finally."

Stunned, Barry stared at him, even though he had heard this speech before. "Wally… he got sucked into the speed force. He got sucked into your prison."

Barry remembered when he released Savitar, the speed force tried to pull him in too, but in a moment of desperation, Barry had created a time remnant and it got pulled in instead. The speed force seemed to accept it in his place.

Savitar nodded. "Like the Greek myth of Atlas who could not put down the sky until someone took his place, Wally has taken my place in the speed force. You know me, I love a good myth. When you created Flashpoint, you unwittingly provided me with the means for my return. You gave me the idea to turn Wally into Kid Flash, to make him fast enough to replace me in your prison. His youth and ego were my allies, so obsessed with his speed and fame, he never knew he was running right into my trap."

"How do I get him out?"

"Wally's gone," Savitar said gleefully.

"How do I get him out?!"

"Suffering in an endless void for all eternity. Another victim Barry Allen failed to save!" Savitar's eyes flashed blue.

With a cry of rage, Barry ran at Savitar. The two speedsters fought, chasing each other throughout the alleyways, but Savitar seemed to be just as fast as Barry somehow.

"I'm gonna kill you," Barry snarled.

"If you had the strength to end my life, you would have already done it," Savitar said. "But Barry Allen doesn't kill, he's the good guy. Oh, wait, you killed Thawne, didn't you? I guess I'm wrong then. Maybe you _will_ be able to kill me this time around. Maybe you'll finally have to stomach for it."

Savitar moved closer to him. "I'm going to destroy this city, and then you will see the truth, Barry. And then you will treat me like a god."

"You're not a God!" Barry yelled. He lunged at Savitar, chasing him up a building, only for Savitar to knock him down from it and leap down to stand next to him where he lay on the pavement.

"Who are you?" Barry asked, a question he'd always wanted to know the answer to, but Savitar had been gone, sucked back into the speed force and unable to ever answer that question.

Savitar laughed. "I am the future Flash."

Lightning flashing in his eyes, Barry leaped on him, running around behind him and wrapping his arm around Savitar's neck. He gripped his mask. "Show me your face!"

Savitar swung him around. "You really want to know, _Barry?_ Are you sure you can handle it?"

"Show me your face," he hissed.

"Very well," Savitar said. He gripped the lightning bolt on his chest and gave it a sharp _twist._ The suit of armor pealed away, seeming to retract the same way Thawne's ring did into his suit.

Barry stared in stunned horror at the face behind Savitar's mask.

Savitar really was the future Flash.

Barry looked at Savitar and the only face he saw was his own.

* * *

 **AN: I wasn't going to reveal Savitar being Barry this early, but I'm possibly running out of time since they episode is tomorrow and Savitar's identity might be revealed by Abra Kadabra. This story will become AU if my theory about Barry being Savitar is wrong, though it's already kind of AU considering, but I wanted to write Savitar's reveal _before_ the story became AU, you know? I really hope I'm not going too fast with it, though. I don't mean writing a whole bunch in one day; I just hope it has a good pacing. I don't want to rush things too much. I was planning to have a couple more chapters before Savitar's reveal, and I'll still find a way to work those chapters in here, but I needed to do the reveal now.**

 **Please review and tell me what you think :)**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	18. Chapter 18

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing**_

Barry stared at Savitar, into his own darkened eyes, with a tinge of horror. It took a lot to faze the Blue Flash, but this did so in a way that chilled him to his very core.

"You… You're me…"

"I told you your future self trapped me in eternity, Barry, and now I _am_ the future," Savitar said.

"I don't understand," Barry said, shaking his head.

"Don't you?" Savitar cocked his head to the side. "Come on, Barry, you're smart. Smarter than anyone back at STAR Labs. Why you let them help you is beyond me. I guess you're just afraid to be alone. Isn't that why you made Gideon? You did this to me, Barry. When you fixed the speed force. You tricked me into running in there, told me I would _die._ You lied!"

"I… I thought you would," Barry said. "I thought we would."

"Well, we didn't," he replied. "No, instead, I ended up in your prison. You used your lightning, your energy, to close the tear from the outside, but doing so expanded the speed force and created my prison. And, of course, since we hate ourself, that prison was designed to mentally torture its captive. All of our self-loathing ate away at us. I had to watch our mother die, our father die, Iris die, Joe die, Caitlin and Cisco die… and they all blamed us. 'You're too slow, Barry' 'You failed us, Barry' 'They only killed us to get to _you,_ Barry'. All of this is your fault. It's your fault…"

"That you lost your mind," Barry said. "You're right; it is. And I am sorry. It's also our fault that our parents died; Thawne and Zoloman only killed them to get at us. That's part of the reason why we created Flashpoint. The guilt of knowing we were responsible for our own parents' murders… it was too much."

"No, it's _your_ fault they died," Savitar snarled. "I am not you; not anymore. The mind that was yours was destroyed when I entered the speed force and was tortured for longer than you can imagine. Nothing ages in the speed force, not that we age much anyway. I lived until the end of time, watching them all die over and over again until I just didn't care anymore. Only then did I have enough sanity to escape. New sanity. I was no longer Barry Allen; I was Savitar, the God of Speed… your sins are not mine because I am a different person."

"Savitar," he started, "think about you're doing. The speed force only tortured you with their deaths because you loved them. So why hurt them? Why hurt _Iris?_ If there's any part left of you that is Barry Allen, then you would never hurt her."

"I'll hurt Iris because Iris hurt me," Savitar said. "Watching her die over and over again and her corpse opening it's cold dead eyes glazed over with white film and telling me that it was my fault before attacking me, before ripping my skin off layer by layer while I cried and apologized and she laughed mercilessly _… hurt me."_

"Savitar, Iris didn't-"

"But she did!" he yelled. "They all did. I told you once before: you all did this to me. You sent me in there, and they tortured me. They all must die."

"That wasn't really them!" Barry protested.

"But it was," Savitar said. "And let's not forget the things they did prior to my trip in the speed force. Caitlin and Cisco let us be struck by lightning. They put us into a nine month coma and we _thanked_ them for saving our life! We wouldn't have needed saving if it wasn't for them. Then there's Joe and Iris, calling us crazy, sending us to shrinks, our entire childhood. And we were right the whole time! Our father was innocent. Then there's how they all let us be vaporized into the speed force the first time giving us our powers back. Did they not realize that the chemicals were never injected into us, but rather absorbed through our skin? Did they not realize that we were miles away from the particle accelerator explosion? That having it happen right behind us would _destroy_ us? The pain they inflicted on us that night… have _you_ experienced anything that physically hurts worse? And then after our father dies, they _locked us up!_ They left us alone," Savitar's voice broke on the word 'alone'. "All we could think about was our father's murder, and they left us down in a _cell."_

"They thought it was for the best," Barry said.

"They were wrong!" he roared. "We both know that!"

"Yes, they were wrong," Barry snapped. "Are you happy now? I admit it: I wanted to hate them for that, but I love them too much, so I forgave them without ever really getting a chance to call them out on it. Somewhere inside, you must too. And Savitar, I _have_ felt something worse than being vaporized. I've felt the speed force falling apart, myself falling apart with it. Try being vaporized for _hours._ That's how it felt. I can understand your pain."

"But you can't understand my hate," Savitar shook his head. "You'll never be able to until you live through what I did."

"You can't hate them all for that," he said. "We forgave that a long time ago. And they didn't actually do any of the things that were done to you in the speed force, Savitar."

"I'm not even finished yet, Barry," the God of Speed said. "I haven't even gotten to Flashpoint."

"What about Flashpoint?" Barry asked. "I already know we messed up."

"Yes, you did," Savitar said. "Yet another reason why I hate you. But I'm not talking about our mistakes right now. We'll get to _that_ later. I'm talking about the hypocrisy of Cisco Ramon and Caitlin Snow."

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you remember right after we spoke to Oliver just after gaining our speed? We went to talk to Caitlin and Cisco afterwards, to ask for their help," he said. "What did we say to them?"

"We… we told them about the metahumans that had been causing problems," Barry said. "But we told them we didn't blame them for any of it. That it wasn't their fault. We knew they all lost something that night…"

" _Exactly,"_ Savitar said, his eyes glowing bright blue like the Future Flash's often did. Barry now realized why him and Savitar fighting broke the speed force: they both had the exact same level of speed and together, six billion miles an hour, was too much. Barry wondered if they would just break the speed force again. "We told them that it wasn't their fault, that they lost something that night too, that they weren't to blame… but what happened when _we_ lost soemthing? When our father was murdered right before our eyes, and in a moment of irrational grief, we traveled back in time to save our mother, and in turn our father? We both know things went wrong, we had to beg Thawne to kill her again to set things right, and then we came back and the timeline was changed, but what happened after that, hmm? We were ripped into by Caitlin, Cisco, and those so-called _Legends,_ especially Cisco and Sara Lance. Sara Lance, who tried to do the exact same thing as us and save her sister, Cisco who not only wanted us to save his brother, but was responsible for so much more death and carnage then we ever caused. The particle accelerator explosion that put us into a coma, that killed so many people, that gave people powers that they in turn killed others with, that gave some people powers that killed them, like Farooq and Griffin Grey. Why did we forgive them instantly and they hated us when what they did was much, much worse?"

"Savitar, you have to realize why they were upset," Barry said. "Caitlin had powers she couldn't control-"

"So did Farooq," Savitar said.

"Dante was dead-"

"Cisco hated him! How many times did we hear him criticize him?! How many!?" Savitar exclaimed. "Besides, now that I have gained clarity via being in the speed force, I realize, we are as much responsible for a drunk driver killing Cisco's brother as Caitlin and Cisco are for evil speedsters killing our parents. If they had never set off that particle accelerator, we never would have become the Flash. If we never became the Flash, there never would have been a Reverse Flash to hate us. If there wasn't a Reverse Flash, Thawne would have never murdered our mother. If Thawne never murdered our mother, we would have never been convinced by him that we could go back and save her and the singularity never would have opened. If the singularity never opened, the door to Earth two never would have opened and Zoom never would have gotten into our lives and murdered our father! If Cisco is going to blame us for Dante's death, then why shouldn't we blame him for the deaths of Nora and Henry Allen, Barry?"

"Cisco didn't mean to-"

"And neither did we! But were we punished for it? Yes, we were," Savitar said. "That's the thing, Barry, you will always be punished for everything. It will always in some way be your fault. Until you become me that is. Until you no longer care about any of them."

"I will never become you," Barry snarled.

"I know," Savitar said, a dark grin creeping along his face. "But it's going to be fun trying to make you. It's going to be fun punishing you. It's my turn to torture you the way you let the speed force torture me."

"So let it torture me," Barry said. "Let me take Wally's place in the speed force."

"You want to relieve the new Atlas of his burden?" he asked. "No, I think Wallace should stay where he is. He's been a thorn in my side since we met. He found countless reasons not to like us, so now I've put him in time out. Joe wasn't going to do it, after all."

"Wally's our brother-"

"He's Iris's brother," Savitar said. "He was never ours. You fool yourself into thinking that because you always wanted a brother ever since our parents told us when we were five that we had a twin who was stillborn. Wally hates us, and you _know_ it. You've even said before that you didn't think he liked us. And it just kept getting worse. He became obsessed with being better than us, with putting us down, criticizing everything we do, and hurting us, with asking Joe to choose favorites. He never liked us, Barry. So, why should we like him?"

"He's family," Barry said.

"Fine, save him," Savitar said. "Go torture yourself for someone who hates you. That's what you do, isn't it, Barry? You save everyone, even those who don't like you, only for them to keep on hating you and for you to keep on hating yourself. But before you let the speed force take you, _I_ get to punish you."

Savitar lunged at Barry, attacking him viciously. And for some reason, Barry let him. Normally, he could fight back, but a part of him felt he deserved this for everything he had done to everyone. Despite what Savitar said, Barry still felt extreme guilt over Flashpoint and everything it did to his friends. He would never stop feeling that way. He felt guilty over what happened to Wally, over the fact that Savitar was here trying to hurt his family and friends, trying to hurt _Iris,_ because of him. He also felt guilty for what he did to Savitar to make him like this. It may have been unintentional, but some of the most horrible mistakes are, like Flashpoint was. Savitar was right: Barry deserved to be punished.

Savitar stopped beating Barry after what felt like hours. Then, one of his claws flew out and stabbed itself into Barry's chest.

"You have no idea how much I hate you," Savitar whispered. "You did this to me. You made me this way. Everything they did is little in comparison to what _you_ did. A part of me can still feel for them, though not enough to spare them. But you? I feel nothing for you but loathing. You're the boy Joe raised, the man Iris loves… you have everything and deserve none of it, not after what we did to all of them, (even if I hate them for their hypocrisy, I still feel guilt for what I did to Caitlin and Cisco via Flashpoint. I still hate myself for it, because unlike them, I cannot let my mistakes slide by, and unlike me, they cannot forgive until they have made me hate myself even more). No matter what they do, they will always be more innocent than you because we have always hated ourself. We have ever since our mother was murdered, though back then it was small. So small it was barely noticeable even to us. And now? Now I hate you more than you could ever imagine after what you did to me.

"I want so badly to kill you," he continued, "but I won't. You need to live a little longer, _Flash._ Long enough to see Iris die and watch yourself become me."

Savitar ripped the blade out of Barry's collarbone and sped away in a blue blur.

 **AN:** **So, it's been way too long since I last updated, and I am sorry about that, but this was an intense chapter and I needed some time to make it good. I'm still not sure if it's good enough, but I hope I did it some justice. I wanted to portray the fact that Savitar not only hates Barry, but the entire team, after all, while he may hate Barry most, he has expressed hatred for all of Team Flash as well. Also, even though it was Savitar, I enjoyed making a version of Barry finally call the team out on their shit. They know everything that was said via the comms and the footage they were watching in the episode. Thing is, I really do feel like Caitlin and Cisco are hypocrites for being so hard on Barry about Flashpoint when he wasn't hard on them at all about the particle accelerator explosion. They ruined so many more lives with it than he did with Flashpoint, and his reason for Flashpoint were more sympathetic than their reasons for creating the particle accelerator. Anyone would do what Barry did, but not everyone would do what Caitlin and Cisco did. After all, there were plenty of protesters outside STAR Labs that night telling them not to turn it on. And if we really think about it, if Barry is going to be held responsible for Dante's death for creating a new timeline, then why shouldn't Caitlin and Cisco be held responsible for Barry's parents' deaths since they helped create the speedsters that killed them? Neither actually killed the others' family, but both created circumstances for them to be killed. Also, the team locking him up after his father's death was just plain cruel. A lot of things they have done and just gotten away with because Barry is forgiving astounds me. I could go on and on all day about how sometimes I want to wring everyone's neck but Barry's. It was hard to make Savitar actually hate Barry in this chapter, but it's necessary for the story and considering Barry convinced him to run into the speed force, it's plausible. Savitar won't stop hating Barry until he and Barry are the same. If he successfully makes Barry like him via torment, then he will finally forgive him. If he can't, then he will torture him and then kill him, or at least he will try. And as for Savitar saying Barry hates himself, well Barry already blamed himself for so many things that went wrong to the point where it could be argued there was a part of him that hated himself, though it was small, and then to be thrown into the speed force where he is convinced he is a failure by everyone he loves... the only way Savitar maintained an ounce of sanity was to convince himself he hated everyone doing this to him, which is why he criticizes them all now. And he hates himself for convincing him to go in there when he was told he was going to die. It was like he'd been sent to Hell and Savitar, while he is pretty crazy and super angry and hates just about everyone, has finally learned to stop always blaming himself. He did this by distancing himself from everything that happened. In Savitar's mind, he has already paid for all his sins and has been reborn anew. It's Barry who still has to pay, and Team Flash because now that Savitar hates them, he realizes that they should pay for their sins as well even if making the other him pay is his top priority.**

 **Well, thanks for reading. Hope everyone enjoyed this.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


	19. Chapter 19

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing**_

Barry flashed back to STAR Labs as soon as Savitar stopped beating him half to death. The metal spear was still sticking out of his chest.

"Barry!" that was Joe's voice. Team Flash ran to him, crowding around him as he supported himself against one of the desks, much like he did when the Mist entered his lungs and made it so he couldn't breathe.

"The spear," he managed. "It shattered my collarbone. We have to take it out before it heals like that. My healing is much faster than it used to be."

"Let's get him to the med-bay," Caitlin said.

Joe and Cisco helped Barry up, supporting him until they got him down on one of the beds in the medbay.

"How much pain are you in?" Joe asked.

Barry shook his head. "Not much. Most of this is probably shock."

"Not much?" Julian stared at him. "You look half dead!"

"Thanks, Julian," Barry said sardonically. "I've had worse. Remember when I was writhing on the ground and screaming? This is nothing. Just get it out. I don't think I can do it myself."

"You shouldn't even consider doing it yourself," Caitlin said. "You're not a doctor."

"Not one with a degree," Barry said. "But you guys are forgetting I spent twenty years without you. I had to learn a thing or two."

Team Flash all suddenly felt guilty. They knew very little about Barry's past without them. They hadn't really asked that much about it. Perhaps that would have to change soon.

"I can't give you any anesthetic for this," Caitlin warned him as she prepped herself to remove the spear from his body. "I don't know how to make the morphine you created and even if I did, with your addiction, I couldn't give it to you in good conscience."

"Cait, just take it out," Barry said.

Cisco grabbed Barry's hand as Caitlin took a deep breath, grasping the sides of the spear.

"Bite down on this," Joe said, pushing a roll of cloth into Barry's mouth. He knew after what he endured thanks to the speed force breaking, that Barry was good with pain, but he didn't want to risk it being too much and Barry breaking his teeth. Plus, any amount of relief Joe could give his son, he would.

Caitlin yanked the spear out. Barry's eyes flew wide, but he didn't scream. He was starting to see black dots and had to cling to consciousness. Compared to other pains he'd felt, this was nothing, but that didn't make him invincible. Pain was pain. He was just better at handling it.

After taking a few moments to calm down, Barry pulled the cloth out of his mouth. "Thanks," he whispered. He glanced over at Joe. "I'm so sorry."

Joe knew he was referring to Wally. "It's not your fault, Bar… just… where is he? Is he in pain?"

"I don't know," Barry said. "According to Savitar, he's in Hell."

Joe and Iris both looked distraught.

"But he won't be for long," Barry started to sit up.

Caitlin pushed him back down. "You need to rest."

"This is my fault; let me fix it," he said.

"We'll talk about this when you're healed," she said.

"No, we can talk about it now," Barry said. "We _need_ to talk about it now."

"Barry-"

"I'm responsible for this," he said. "Wally doesn't deserve what's happening to him. I do. I should have let myself be dragged into the speed force the first time Savitar got out. I shouldn't have created a time remnant and let him be dragged in. That was selfish of me. I tried to save him, but the speed force wouldn't let me. In that timeline, it's likely it was my time remnant that became Savitar. This time, the speed force isn't going to stop me. I now understand my connection to it. I'll _make_ it listen to me. I'm its creator, not the other way around."

"Barry, you really should rest right now," Cisco said. "Stop blaming yourself for everything. Savitar… he was right."

"What?" he stared at them.

"We were listening to the whole conversation through your comms," Iris said. "And we saw what happened on the security footage."

Barry leaned back. "I'm so sorry for what he said. He's confused. He's hurt. He doesn't-"

"He's right," Joe said. "Some of the things we've all said and done to you… throw in some torture and he's… broken. We did that."

"He's going to murder your daughter, Joe," Barry whispered.

"And a few weeks ago, he was madly in love with her and was so happy to see all of us alive," Joe said. "A father isn't supposed to choose between his children, Bar."

"You didn't actually talk to him," Barry said. "I don't think he can be reasoned with."

"But, he's _you,"_ Caitlin said.

"No offense, Cait, but none of you really know me anymore, and none of you know him anymore," Barry said. "Time and tragedy change someone. Pain changes someone. You become… something else. Something, someone much different from how you were originally. Sometimes it's for the better and other times it's for the worse. I have been at very low points in the past twenty years. I've done things I don't ever want to tell any of you about. And he… he's been through Hell. Now let me up so Wally doesn't go through it too," Barry started to sit up again.

Julian pushed him down. "Not happening, mate."

Barry focused on Julian. "I'm so sorry."

"What for?" his eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm the reason you became Alchemy," he said. "That's my fault. _I_ did that to you. I'm sorry, Julian."

"That wasn't really you, Allen," he said. "And the version of you that it was… well, I forgive him. Because he also helped free me from Savitar. I know what it's like to be at low points too, Barry, and while I doubt I've had it anywhere near as bad as you or him, I know what it's like to do things you regret. So, I forgive you and I forgive him."

"Let's face it," Cisco said, "we've treated you badly for a long time and haven't even realized it until Savitar said something about it. Locking you in the pipeline? The things I said to you about Dante and Flashpoint? It was uncalled for and wrong. I'm sorry."

Barry sprang to his feet at super speed before they could stop him. "Don't you guys get it? I don't care about any of that anymore! That was twenty years ago from my perspective! I don't linger on things that happened that long ago. You just have to let things go. Savitar has been _tortured._ That's why he can't let any of it go. From his perspective, everyone in this room tortured him. If you're going to apologize, apologize to him, not to me. But even if you did apologize to him, I don't think it would do any good. It's too late for him. At least, it looked like it. The look in his eyes, I've seen it in myself only it was much worse in him. The look in his eyes was beyond pain; it was insanity."

"But we can still help him, can't we? We can still try?" Iris asked.

"You can always try, but that doesn't mean you're going to succeed," Barry said. "And Iris, he wants to kill you, so you should stay away from him. At least for now."

Barry took a deep breath. "I'm going to go get Wally out of the speed force."

"Barry, we heard what you said to Savitar. You want to take Wally's place," Caitlin said. "We can't let you do that."

"Can't you?"

"No," Joe said. "No, we can't."

"Why not? Wally's not damaged. I am," Barry said. "He's a better son. He'd be a better Flash; wouldn't have to have a collar on for weeks to make sure he doesn't kill anyone. You know the Reverse Flash isn't the first time I've killed someone, right? Oh, yeah, you have no idea what I've been doing for twenty years. I'm not the Barry you remember. Neither is Savitar. Barry Allen… he's gone. I'm nothing but the Flash anymore and Savitar is… _Savitar."_

"Barry, that's not true," Iris said. "You _are_ Barry, and so is he. You're just different now. That doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"Did you forget the fact that I just told you I'm a murderer?"

"Barry," Joe said, "as a cop, I've had to shoot and kill multiple criminals. Sometimes, things happen. They're unavoidable. That doesn't make you a bad person."

"We can continue this discussion later," Barry said. "Right now, Wally is suffering and it's my fault. I'll try to get him out without sacrificing myself, but no promises."

Barry turned away from them, about to open a portal to the speed force.

"Bar?"

He looked back at Joe.

"Did you really have a brother?"

Barry nodded. "A twin. We were going to be identical. But… he was stillborn. My parents said they were going to name him Sebastian. Sebastian Christopher Allen. But he's dead. There's nothing I can do about that. But I can do something for Wally right now, so hopefully I'll see you guys soon. Wally will for sure. I love all of you."

He opened the portal to the speed force and ran straight through it before any of them could get a word out.

The Team stayed in the cortex.

"Savitar was right about everything, Cisco said. "We've treated Barry awfully and we've never realized it because he's always been so forgiving that he doesn't get mad at us at all for it. But Savitar… he finally broke. We deserve what he said. The particle accelerator? All those problems are on Caitlin and me."

"Cisco, we didn't mean to-"

"Barry didn't mean to create an alternate timeline either, Cait, yet we all got on his case about it!" Cisco shouted. "Especially me. God, the things I said to him."

"I said some awful things too," Caitlin said.

"But you were Killer Frost at the time," he replied. "I was just me. And I was horrible to him. I blamed him for my brother's death, for your powers, for so much, but he's right. We turned him into the Flash and in doing so, we created the circumstances for his parents to be murdered in front of him. How does he not hate us?"

"He does," Iris whispered. "Savitar does. He's Barry. He hates all of us." Tears welled in her eyes.

"Well, we're going to help him. While Barry is trying to get Wally out of the speed force, we're going to help Savitar," Joe said.

"How?" H.R. asked.

"Well, we'd have to find him first," Cisco murmured. "Maybe I can vibe him?"

"Try," Caitlin said.

It took Cisco a couple hours, but he finally managed to get something on Savitar. He'd gone through a lot of Barry's things back at his and Iris's flat, trying to find something that would allow him to hone in on the version of Barry that was Savitar. He got the other Barry in the speed force a few time before he finally managed to get a vision of Savitar. He didn't know how Savitar was doing it, but it seemed like he was somehow keeping Cisco from vibing him. Like his suit was vibe-proof.

"Okay, that was difficult," Cisco said, rubbing his temples from the pounding headache he now had. "I saw him in an abandoned warehouse. I think I may know where it's at."

"Let's go," Joe said. "Iris, stay here. Barry is right. Savitar wants to kill you. You should stay away from him."

"He wants to kill me in front of Barry," she said. "That's what's in the future vision too. He can't do that while Barry is in the speed force. I'm coming. You can't stop me."

"Iris-"

"Not this time, Dad," she said.

Sighing, Joe conceded. "Fine, but take this," he handed her a gun. "Just in case."

"No offense, but a gun isn't going to do much good against someone as fast as Barry," Cisco said.

"At least she won't be completely unarmed when we go in, though," Joe said.

Team Flash drove to the location Cisco vibed Savitar at. They approached the warehouse cautiously, clearing the rooms as they headed in. They didn't want to be taken off guard.

"What are we going to say to him when we see him?" Caitlin asked. "What happened to him in the speed force was awful."

"We could start with an apology," Cisco murmured.

"You think saying 'sorry' to me is going to make a difference?"

All of Team Flash jumped and spun around to see the version of Barry that became Savitar standing with his arms crossed, glaring at them. He was out of his suit and dressed all in black rather than his Flash suit.

"You're all delusional," Barry snarled.

"Bar, calm down," Joe said in a soothing tone. Looking at Barry, he saw a rabid, cornered wolf. Every muscle in Barry's body was tensed. He needed to get him to relax a bit.

"Calm down? You're aiming a gun at me," he said. "How calm can I be?"

Joe lowered the gun, tucking it away into his coat. "There. The gun's gone."

"Well, technically it isn't. It's still there," Barry said. "Kick it across the room and maybe I won't tear you all limb from limb."

Slowly so as not to spook Barry, Joe pulled the gun back out, placed it on the ground, and kicked it toward him.

Barry picked it up at super speed. He relaxed slightly. "I don't like guns," he informed them. "When I was being tortured in the speed force, the vision I had of you, Joe, we would play this game. You ever heard of two for flinching?"

Cisco nodded. "Dante made me play that with him. It was awful. I always flinched."

"What is two for flinching?" Caitlin asked.

"It's where a kid fakes a punch at another kid. If the punchee flinches, the puncher gets to punch them twice as hard as they can," Cisco said. "Awful game. Violent."

"Yeah, Tony and I played it when I was too little to fight back," Barry said. "So, Joe, you and I played two for flinching in the speed force. But we didn't use punches."

"No…" Joe whispered.

"We used bullets," he said.

"I'm so sorry. I would never do that to you," Joe said. His heart was breaking just thinking about it. Barry had to endure a version of him shooting him over and over again because he probably just kept flinching. Joe doesn't even want to know the things he _said_ to him while that was going on.

"I used to be really scared of you, you know that?" Barry said. "When you first took me in and would chase me with your cop car with the sirens on just because I wanted to see my dad. I was also afraid of your gun. I never told you so, but I was scared of it. Probably because bullets are fast and so was the monster that killed my mom. So, yeah, I don't like your gun."

Barry vibrated his hand until the gun broke apart. "So, let me guess, you all came here to reason with me while the other me goes to save _Wally._ You know, I don't get him. Wally hates him. He's made that perfectly clear plenty of times. You want to know one of the things Wally did to me in the speed force? He got this notion that there was only one way to be the fastest: he had to make sure I _never_ could be. And, well, he said it would upset everyone if he killed me, so he cut off my legs instead. It was… awful. You ever had your legs cut off? It _hurts."_

"That didn't actually happen," Iris said.

"But it did," he said. "From my perspective, it _did._ All of it did. It was real."

"They were illusions in the speed force," Cisco said.

"Illusions aren't supposed to hurt," Barry said.

"We would never hurt you," Iris said.

"But you have," he said, shaking his head. "And not just in there. Out here too."

"We heard what you said to the other Barry," Caitlin said. "We're so sorry."

"I didn't even get it all out, Caitlin," Barry said. "I was ranting and sometimes you leave things out when you're ranting."

"What else do you have to say then," Joe said. "We want to hear it. We want you to say how you're feeling."

"God, what is this, _therapy?"_ Barry scoffed. "Fine. When you locked me in the pipeline, I almost went into hypoglycemic shock. See, I didn't have much of an appetite, because I was depressed and depression sometimes makes you not that hungry. So I hadn't eaten for several hours before you shoved me in there for another five. You have no idea how many power bars I ate before going to race Zoom. You put me in there to protect me, but if you'd left me down there for the rest of the night, you may have killed me. Speedsters… we don't exactly live that long if we don't eat.

"Caitlin, you made my grief about yourself. Every time I'm hurting, you start comparing it to what happened to you. Yes, losing your husband was awful. I recall comforting you about it, even though not that long ago, I'd seen my mother die right in front of me again. I didn't make it about myself. It was all about you. I wanted to be there for you. Help you with your loss. But none of you did that for me. I needed you and you locked me in a cage instead. You thought that was going to help? You claimed you did it because I wasn't okay, well you made me _less okay."_

"We-"

"Don't try to justify yourselves," he snarled. "You know, I've died for all of you before. I let you vaporize me, my time remnant ran himself to death to save all of you, I ran into the speed force to keep all of you from suffering a future where the universe plunges into heat death, and now the other me is going to _Hell_ to save _Wally._ That ungrateful, selfish, immature brat is going to be saved at his expense. Don't get me wrong, I hate the other me. But if it wasn't for the fact that I've hated myself for _long_ time, that he convinced me to go into the speed force, or that we've just made so many mistakes that until he becomes me, he will still be responsible for, I would hate all of you more. I wish I could hate all of you more than him. I wish for once, I could actually love myself. But I can't. I don't think I've ever been able to completely love myself. And twenty years alone? I can't help but wonder why he didn't kill himself. I guess he had Gideon as company. I should make a Gideon. Can't be that hard; I made my suit after all."

"It is a pretty cool suit, but I think Gideon would be harder to make," Cisco said, remembering seeing Gideon's operating system.

A wicked grin tugged at Barry's lips. "Aw, you hurt its feelings."

Before any of them could ask what Barry meant by that, the suit suddenly grabbed Cisco from behind and flung him across the room.

"Cisco!" Caitlin yelled.

Barry laughed. "What are you going to do about it, Cait? You going to give into Killer Frost to save him? You know, I actually rather like her. She hates everyone just as much as I do. Then again, she was awful to me too considering what she said about my mother and the hypocrisy she displayed when she acted like _I'm_ the one who wrecks everyone's lives when you're the ones who built the particle accelerator, so… nah, I'm going to kill her too."

"Barry, you were my son once," Joe said desperately. The suit was choking Cisco now. He had to get him to stop.

"That's not my name, Joe," he replied.

" _Barry,"_ he emphasized on his name.

"That's not my name!" he shouted, voice vibrating menacingly. The suit let go of Cisco's throat, but it still stood above him threateningly. "I am Savitar, the God of Speed. You know the thing about God? He feels no pain. I was broken in the speed force and alone. I just wanted the pain to end. All I had to do was become a God. You know all it takes to become a God is convince someone you are one? It wasn't hard to travel back to ancient times and rally worshipers. They _adored_ me. They actually appreciated me. I just wish all of you could have done that. Now, as much as I would _love_ to kill all of you, I have to wait for the other Barry to come back. I want him to become just like me. I want to stop _hating him._ I want to stop hating _me._ So, to do that, I must turn him into me. We'll hate all of you together."

"Killing us isn't going to turn him into you," Iris said. "It'll just make him hate you, Savitar."

"Killing you, Iris, will break him," Savitar said. "And once he is broken, well, then the rest of you will do the rest of the breaking for me."

"We'd never hurt him," Joe said.

"You will," Savitar grinned. "You'll see. Now, looks like I need a new lair. Don't come looking for me again or I'll cut off pieces of you and send them back to STAR Labs in boxes."

Savitar sped forward and leapt into his suit before exiting the warehouse at super speed.

 **AN: I am sorry I haven't updated in a while. This was a hard chapter to write. I got the idea of the two for flinching from a Batgirl and Robin comic. Cassandra Cain's father, David Cain who worked for the League of Assassins, played two for flinching with bullets with her. It's why she was able to not flinch at all when she was playing dead and was shot in that comic. I wish I'd been able to put in more hurt/comfort in the beginning, but Future Barry has a hard time feeling pain now and he was more focused on getting Wally out of the speed force and being sorry for the creation of Savitar than listening to all of them apologizing for things he got over a long time ago. Personally, I wish Barry would leave Wally in the speed force, but it's just not in this Barry's nature. I have to say, I love writing these two different Barrys. One is so full of hate and one so full of love. And Thawne calls himself the _Reverse_ Flash, lol. I promise we'll get more into Future Barry's past and we'll see more of Savitar finally telling Team Flash what they've done wrong. Honestly, Barry lets them get away with so much if you ask me. Next chapter we'll see Barry in the speed force saving Wally. I've got some cool ideas for how that's going to go. And then pretty soon I intend to bring in Lady Shiva. After all, Future Flash was trained by Lady Shiva and it will allow the team to learn more about Barry's past without them.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


End file.
